Boone, IA: For years, the term “Santorum” had two meanings in the world, or at least the internet. One meaning had to do with the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. The other meaning had to do with the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, thanks to SpreadingSantorum.com. While it cannot be confirmed that the two terms of Santorum are mutually exclusive, it can be assumed that the two terms at least have two different websites, thanks to Google.
Now that the Iowa caucuses for Election 2012 have been completed, the spotlight has once again been focused on Santorum and its many meanings as Boone Pizza Ranch assistant manager Keith Prange has renamed his chicken salad dish “Santorum salad.”
Prange, a card-carrying Democrat, stated, “A lot of people ask about the economy and the threat of Iran and about military aid and maybe about social issues, whether it be abortion rights or something else. I don’t care about those things, I care about what you think about my damn salad.” Legend has it that Santorum, the senator, entered the Pizza Ranch and enjoyed the chicken salad, prompting the name change by Prange, however other theories have surfaced, most notably by The Inep Owl’s own food critic, Evil Gordon Ramsay.
“Chicken salad tastes like someone ate rancid chicken, shat it out on top of rotten celery, and spooged on it,” explained Evil Ramsay. “It’s probably the closest known food to Santorum I’ve ever heard of besides salad tossers.”
The reason why anyone would name an edible product Santorum is still unknown, however some biologists believe this reasoning may be the key that would finally give intelligent design the proof it needs to be considered a valid theory.
“Intelligent design is the proposition that certain features of the universe and of living things are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as natural selection,” stated evolutionary biologist Dr. Richard Cummings. “This would mean that other features of the universe and of living things could only be explained by an unintelligent cause, in this case, chicken salad. Or in a better case, the creation of someone that would actually name chicken salad Santorum salad.”
Intelligent design supporters have disagreed with evolutionists on the subject, mainly for fear of being connected to Santorum salad. “The only way Santorum salad could ever be created is through the theory of evolution,” explained associate professor Micheal Glass. “No god-like being would allow such an idea to become a reality, so evolutionary theory must be right.”
Pizza Ranch assistant manager Keith Prange was unavailable to hold a vomit bag, or comment.