Mr. Owl,

I’m down to the wire on thinking of a gift for my girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for 4 months, so it’s tricky to think of a gift that suits the time. Please help!


Idiot Shopper

Dear Idiot Shopper,

Yes, that is a tricky subject. I may not be able to choose the perfect gift, since I have not seen/dated/slept with your girlfriend(as far as I know), but I can give you some ideas of what not to get, based on experience.

Lingerie: at 4 months, your girl may want to show you off to her parents and relatives during the holidays. This means she will also want to show off the awesome gift she received from you, and in normal family households, modeling a nightie doesn’t mix with singing Christmas carols. Unless of course she’s dating you to piss off her parents, then lingerie is definitely the way to go.

Cookware: Unless you like being pummeled by a frying pan, try to stay away from the homemaker gifts that may always be a hit with your Mom(side note: your mother really hates those presents. Why don’t you splurge a little on the think-tank you ass.)

DVD sets that you can’t stand: For DVDs to work, it must be a mutual thing, or else you risk putting out the vibe of “Hey, I’d really like you to be away from me for a few hours.” This, in turn, makes you run the risk that she will watch the movie with her “platonic guy friend”, and that may lead to a miserable New Year(for you).

Ring: I don’t care if it’s a Lifesaver candy with an adhesive glittery piece of plastic attached, rings are bad news this early on. Well, they’re bad news at any point, but 4 months especially. Want to buy her jewelry? Necklace, bracelet, anklet, belly-chain, anything but the ring. You have been warned.

Good Luck, and Happy Holidays!

-The Owl