Nationwide, US— In an effort to avoid the inevitable holiday crowds this 4th of July weekend, revelers are finding creative ways to get out ahead of the curve in their celebrations.
Texas resident Bob Schneider began his holiday weekend at 9 AM this morning like any other, by pounding a six-pack of Lone Star beer. However, instead of heading to work at the local abattoir, he instead began driving around downtown San Antonio, firing his shotgun in the air and screaming Lee Greenwood’s “Proud to be an American” at the top of his lungs. Garbed in a tobacco-stained American flag t-shirt and jorts, Mr. Schneider proudly told reporters that he didn’t want to wait for the rest of America and their casual patriotism to catch up. “This weekend is all about America. By celebrating the day that George Washington signed the Constitution, we’re showing the world that America is still number one. Yeehaw!”
Likewise, some smart patriots have begun forming lines at their local ERs, camping out to get prime spots to have their firework-related injuries seen. One woman in Kansas City sat alone with three empty chairs in her spot in line, explaining, “I’m keeping a spot for my kids. Their father went and bought a crapload of M-80s and Roman candles and something called an ‘Albanian Death Ring.’ When they blow off a finger or burn their retinas off, they’ll have a spot waiting right here. My neighbor wanted to come sit with me, but she’s busy putting smoldering bottle rockets on her roof; she’s hoping to get a nice house fire started before nightfall.”
This head-start approach to the holiday is not without its complications, however. Americans in northern states who traveled to Canada in search of fireworks and cheap alcohol quickly became confused as they found a holiday already in full swing. According to reports, our neighbor to the north, in an attempt to pre-empt America’s celebration, has recently instituted what they call “Canada Day” on July 1st. It is clearly modeled after the American Independence Day, with a focus on irrational national pride and heavy alcohol consumption.
Upon hearing the news, House Speaker John Boehner issued a clear warning to Canada. “While we recognize the right of Americans to begin celebrating our national holiday early, Canadians have no right to engage in any sort of holiday that would infringe upon our day. If they do not cease and desist from these behaviors immediately, we will refuse to raise their debt ceiling or approve any of their Cabinet nominations.”
In the meantime, Americans are expected to continue their celebration of all things drunken and exploding until sometime in mid-July, when all of the made-in-China fireworks and patriotic tank tops are removed from the clearance rack at Wal-mart.