Washington, DC: Fearful attempts by the state of California to gag freedom of speech were curtailed by the U.S. Supreme Court yesterday, as justices voted 7-2 to allow the sale of violent, “M” rated video games to anyone in California who could reach the counter to pay, with no legal consequence to the retailer. The decision was explained as a standard for all media that does not have naked men and women.
In his explanation of voting against the ban, Justice Scalia wrote, “Grimm’s Fairy Tales, for example, are grim indeed …Cinderella’s evil stepsisters have their eyes pecked out by doves. And Hansel and Gretel (children!) kill their captor by baking them in an oven.”
The idea that a child could buy such a book on their own,(because all children even ask for books for holidays and birthdays), and not a violent video game was what led Justic Scalia to his decision. However, Justice Scalia soon noted that if Cinderella or either of her stepsisters had bared a nipple, the book would be banned from all schools and public libraries and the author flogged with a whiffle-ball bat.
“I’m glad the Supreme Court is protecting our children’s rights to be surrounded by violence,” stated Californian Brian Hostetler. “Surely it is up to the parents to decide, so if an 8 year old child goes out and picks up the latest edition of Grand Theft Auto, then the parents should be able to take it away if they see fit.”
When asked why couldn’t it just be up to the parents to buy the video game in the first place, Hostetler replied, “Bah, who has that kind of time for their kids?”
While the majority of the US Supreme Court supported the retailers right to sell violent games to minors, Justice Stephen Breyer, who actually played some of the video games implicated, wrote: “What sense does it make to forbid selling to a 13-year-old boy a magazine with an image of a nude woman, while protecting a sale to that 13-year-old of an interactive game in which he actively, but virtually, binds and gags the woman, then tortures and kills her?”
Some of the games Justice Breyer cited were the Grand Theft Auto series, where the main character can hire hookers, and Fallout: New Vegas, where the main character can bed down the opposite sex in order to sound like a female tennis player.
Fortunately, the ban on violent video games was nullified, allowing game company Sierra to continue with their latest game, Leisure Suit Larry Junior, where kids will be able to guide a young Larry through activities such as guiding women to pick up his car keys that he dropped in front of him, repetitively.