Washington DC: This week, members of The United States Congress worked out a deal to keep the government running while details of the federal budgets were debated. While this deal keeps many minor aspects of the government such as military paychecks and the IRS functioning, the most critical component that was kept in motion was the White House Gift Shop.
“This is a huge, huge win for the American economy,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “I cannot express how important this deal was for us all. Without it, the value of the US dollar would be in the crapper right now. Instead, we are left with a safe, stable, and secure gift shop.”
Thankfully, the threat of a shutdown at the gift shop was sufficient motivation to lead members of Congress to act in bipartisan fashion. House Speaker John Boehner stated, “We Republicans were ready to go to the mat to demand that such central economic issues as Planned Parenthood funding and EPA deregulation were addressed in this budget. However, when we realized the devastating impact a gift shop shutdown could have, we decided to set our differences aside and work out a compromise.”
Likewise, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was moved to bipartisanship by the looming disaster. “Without that gift shop, literally tens of part-time workers would not be paid, devastating their families and communities. Tourism would crumble, since people would have no reason to visit the White House anymore. And most importantly, where would I get my coffee when I come to get my marching orders… err, I mean, when I come to have discussions with President Obama where he does not in any way tell me what to do?”
Once both houses of Congress have approved the new budget, the President is expected to approve it right away. A signing ceremony has tentatively been scheduled in the gift shop at 3 PM Wednesday, between the postcard carousel and souvenir spoon display. Commemorative copies of the pen President Obama uses, reading “I saved the economy and all I got was this lousy pen,” will also be available to the general public for purchase.
The price of inaction was perceived as nothing short of devastating; the nonpartisan and highly-accurate Congressional Budget Office estimated that a gift-shop shutdown would impact approximately 89% of the residents of Washington DC and 96% of the US population at large. It was estimated that a gift shop shutdown would have cost the US economy approximately 3.2 billion dollars and raise the unemployment rate 45%. (Note: estimated margin of error for CBO statistics is +/-5,000%.)
In the meantime, gift shop employees have returned to work this Monday morning, cheerfully serving up their usual wares; sales of the hit non-fiction work “Clinton’s Indiscretions in the Lincoln Bedroom” are up, and the new line of Obama bobbleheads that only shake when Republicans hit them have turned out to be the early smash hit this spring.