ARIES
If you’re working on achieving your goals, stay around people who share them. That way, you have an easier time ripping off ideas on how to achieve them.
TAURUS
Sometimes lines just have to be drawn, and you can scuffle with the best of them when it comes to it. Just remember, the best scuffling shoes can range from Doc Marten boots to even pointy toeless high-heeled shoes. It all depends on what you’re trying to scuffle.
GEMINI
A powerful person could be very influenced by your actions today, so be careful. You could end up like Pauley Shore, doing open mic night in Los Angeles while the rest of the Encino Man crew went on to have successful acting careers. Unless you count Jury Duty as a success.
CANCER
Is money causing you stress? Step out of the fiscal realm. Avoid using your wallet, and hitchhike to the other side of the world. If you survive the trip with all your limbs still attached, you are the chosen one. Of what, I don’t know.
LEO
If you keep slamming your head against that brick wall, you’re more likely to end up with a headache than a pile of bricks. Or a face like Mickey Rourke’s.
VIRGO
The organization bug bites you today, giving you a fever to get order in your life. Hopefully this OCD complex doesn’t lead you to find the big red button to initiate DEFCON 4.
LIBRA
You can understand where other people are coming from now. Either it’s empathy, or they all smell very pungent after coming out of a deli.
SCORPIO
When you’re in a group today, expect some surprising outbursts to distract people. Tourette Syndrome is good like that.
SAGITTARIUS
Feel like talking? The universe is sending you special communication skills today. If it’s telepathy, than you won’t even have to speak anyway. Just think. And watch the clothes come off around you.
Professor X didn’t know what he had…
CAPRICORN
Your money won’t be of any use to you today, because noo one accepts pennies as a form of payment. Neither do they accept a sock full of mixed change.
AQUARIUS
Are you single? That state can’t last very long if you get out in the world today. With government cuts across the pond, a lot of Brits swam over to try to win a green card based on their accent.
Just ask the new Lenora Crenshaw.
PISCES
It’s a good day to toss out unrealistic ideas and expectations in order to make the most of what is really real and right in front of you. I mean, really really real. Like, you can poke it with a stick, because it won’t get off your couch unless you throw peanut shells at them.