ARIES
It’s time for some clearing out, dusting, and scrubbing. Do this yourself rather than hiring help. You don’t want some stranger finding expired condoms and your receipts to midget cabaret shows.
TAURUS
Forget the workload you’d planned for the day. If you relax, everything you don’t finish today can be done tomorrow. If you don’t, that weekend hangover is going to drag out until at least Thursday.
GEMINI
You’ve been neglecting your home recently and now is a good time to make up for it. Clear out the clutter and get organized. If you’re ambitious, you might even want to try a little cooking. If you’re like many of us, you may instead want to quit while you’re ahead.
CANCER
You’re feeling extremely romantic and passionate today. If you’ve experienced a rift with your spouse or loved one, this would be the day to make amends. This is especially true if you missed Steak & Blowjob Day this week.
LEO
You’re adapting to your changing environment as quickly as you can. You may seem a little preoccupied or distant to those around you. If they complain about them, fuck ’em.
Not literally. This time.
VIRGO
Don’t be surprised if you get the urge to write or paint. Even if you don’t have all the necessary equipment, get started anyway. Just look at all the artists that got into pee-painting! I’m sure “imaginary painting” is just on the horizon, if not already passed as a fad.
LIBRA
Welcome back to the land of the living. You’ve been so preoccupied with your existential questions lately that you’ve missed the point about life: videos of guys getting hit in the nuts by sports equipment.
SCORPIO
You may feel a little unsure of what you believe in now, but don’t start listening to Cher’s one hit this past decade. That’s so 2001, and no one listens to techno anymore.
SAGITTARIUS
You may be obsessed with finding your special purpose in life. Although you may not like to admit it, this could occupy your thoughts a lot. It occupied my mind all the time, especially after seeing Steve Martin in The Jerk.
CAPRICORN
It’s understandable that you may sometimes feel disheartened by all the consumerism and conspicuous consumption that fills society. Hippie-dom has been making a comeback since the 90s, and has finally gotten traction with its bare feet. Congratulations.
AQUARIUS
There are many social demands on you now in addition to the usual demands of home and work. The smart person would keep a schedule book. You will most likely take a surprise vacation to Costa Rica for the month, instead.
PISCES
You may feel a strong urge to run away from it all, but where would you go? Egypt and Libya are shaky, London is expensive, the United States is confusing, and Japan is being attacked by either Godzilla of Cthulhu. You might as well stay home.