Hollywood, CA: The 83rd Annual Academy Awards ceremony held few surprises this weekend, as the greatest movie known to humanity, Machete, all but swept the awards. With a cast ranging from Cheech Marin to Robert De Niro and led by director Richard Rodriguez, the film overtook the ceremony so much that most nomination battles happened within the ranks of the film itself.

The most obvious categories awarded to Machete were “Best Picture”, “Best Editing”, “best Original Screenplay”, “Best Director” (Richard Rodriguez), and, of course, “Best Actor” (Danny Trejo). The awards committe even added an honorary category, “Ugliest Mother-Fucker to Ever Grace the Silver Screen”, which was also awarded to Trejo.

“I’m glad the snobs in Hollywood finally gave grindhouse cinema the honor it deserves,” stated horror and exploitation fan-boy Richie Gould. “I can only hope that celebrity sex videos will be the next phase of award show recognition.”

While most of the awards Machete received were met submissive respect, there were some that enraged those that were nominated but lost. For instance, Robert De Niro rushed the stage with Don Johnson and to beat Jeff Fahey into oblivion when Fahey received the award for “Best Supporting Actor”.

Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez were awarded dual trophies for “Best Actress” because judges couldn’t figure out who was the leading lady. Lindsay Lohan received both the award for “Best Supporting Actress” as well as “Best Rack” (although this could be due to the fact that she was the only supporting actress to get naked in a major motion picture this year).

While many believe that the awards sweep makes a mockery of the Academy Awards selection process, many were relieved by outcome. “Award shows are boring, especially when the movies that come out are boring,” explained critic Stanley Eiselbaum. “If it wasn’t for Machete, the awards show would have been reduced to highlights on TMZ.com. As it is, the Grammys got more attention than the Oscars this year. How fucked up is that?”

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.