Montgomery, AL: Today, the Center for Disease Control released a comprehensive list of the “least active” states, and Alabama tops that list.
According to the CDC, more than 29 percent of the state’s residents dedicate no time to physical activity – a figure that could lead to increased risks of obesity, diabetes, heart disease and other health problems for Alabama residents. This is just more bad news for a state where the average IQ of its residents hovers around 75 – a number that is declining.
“I ain’t got no time to be active,” said Jeff Bob Montague, 55, and a native of Alabama. “I work full time. And by the time I get back to my trailer after work, there’s too much on the t.v.”
“Yeah,” agrees his friend, Jimmy Joe Baker, 40, and also a native. “Plus, during the summer, it’s just too durn hot to be gallivanting about like some damn hippie. Come fall, I can’t be doin’ nothin’ because I have to watch Alabama kick the living beejesus out of Florida.”
When asked if reading played a role during their inactivity, both men laughed.
“Readin’? What do I look like? Some durn book-readin’ hippie? No sir,” said Baker. “I ain’t wasting my t.v. time on no durn books. You can take your book-loving, outside walking, weight-losing hippie butts and scoot on out of here.”
Matthew Kleinsasser, an Auburn English professor, is troubled by the results. Yet he is not surprised. “I’ve lived in Alabama for ten years and I assure you – the residents are a bunch of lazy halfwits. You should hear some of the idiots who somehow get accepted into Auburn. They get tired and confused just from tying their shoes. So half of them wear velcro just to make their lazy life easier.”
According to sources, health officials have been attempting to change the habits of Alabama residents for several years. But they have run into several roadblocks – the most difficult challenge being that health officials, also Alabama natives, find it difficult to actually leave the confines of their comfortable couches and lazy boys. Yet, these health officials have somehow managed to keep their jobs in the crisis. When asked why, a prominent government official was very blunt.
“Firing people is just too much work. We ain’t got the time for it.”