Portland, ME: In a bold and decisive move, local know-it-all John Wether decided to raise the price of his thoughts this week. For the past thirty-one years, Wether has charged a penny for his thoughts, opinions, and mumbles. Critics charge that the price is too high, but Wether disagrees.
“False,” said Wether. “With the economy in such a slump, I have no choice but to raise the price. People can say whatever they want, but a penny for my thoughts no longer puts food on my table. Nor does it pay for John Jr’s soccer cleats.”
However, he concedes that many of his customers will probably be disappointed with the price hike. He is also worried that his customers may seek guidance, advice, and opinions elsewhere. If that happens, he will, in the words of his wife, Lois, “have to up his game and give the best advice in the entire state.”
“Just yesterday, a woman approached me and asked what I thought of Obama,” said Wether. “I told her what I thought and then asked for two cents. She only had one cent. So I told her that she had to forget everything I said until she came up with another penny.”
“John knows a lot about a lot of things,” said Stanley Burton, his next door neighbor. “I mean, I know the price is high, but it’s worth it.”
When asked to name some of the topics he considers himself an expert in, Wether paused. He then stuck out his hand and demanded two pennies. After depositing the pennies into his jeans pocket, he began.
“Datsuns, Navajo Indians, typewriters, silly putty, silly string, cheetos, glassware, same sex relationships, children’s shoes, vitamin A, stuffed animals – specifically bears, Bob Saget, and cortisone injections. There are a few others, but those are the primary topics that I and my family consider myself to be an expert in.”
An elderly woman approached and asked if Wether knew much about sewing machines. He refused to answer until the woman gave him two pennies.
“Two cents is a lot of money,” she complained. “So, do you know anything about sewing machines?”
Wether paused for a moment. “No, sorry. I know a lot about greyhounds, however.”
With that, the elderly woman departed.