ARIES
Don’t be afraid of conflict today. Fighting for your beliefs is hugely rewarding!
Although if you’re in Egypt, you might want to tone it down a little. Some of us still have dreams of having our very own Egyptian pharoah mummy featured in our living room, and you’re not helping our cause.
TAURUS
You need to hold your ground against the forces of madness today. It’s February. If you live in the northern hemisphere, it get’s colder now. Gas prices are up. You’re going to be alone forever.
Now buck up, smile, and show the Mad Hatter and March Hare what you’re made of!
GEMINI
You are in search of a brand-new point-of-view and should find just what you’re looking for: godly, looking over everyone’s shoulder, and constantly judging Joaquin Phoenix.
CANCER
Check your budget, your debt or even your income — something doesn’t add up.
It probably ended up in “someone’s” fraudulent account. Wilpon family, I’m looking in your direction.
LEO
Your energy is booming today, and people are eager to see what you’ve got to offer! If you happen to work at a strip club, well, I guess this reading works everyday.
VIRGO
You’ll be the missing link in an exciting equation if you connect with your people. No, not “your people” in the Gov. John Kasich way. I meant “your people”, you know, virgins.
LIBRA
Some lucky cutie gets the full blast of your affection, and the odds are good that they respond in kind. This may be especially true in a man-on-man situation.
SCORPIO
This isn’t the time for subtlety. If you want to make an impact, swallow your pride, and hit ’em with a sledgehammer.
No, literally. Or any heavy object with a handle.
SAGITTARIUS
Keep the flow of information moving today — new ideas need to circulate so they can reach all the right people at the right times. Or else, you may be giving your boss a foot massage while your girlfriend receives an in depth analysis on how consumer traffic reflects why your sister is still alone at 40 years old with 6 cats.
CAPRICORN
It’s time to slam on the brakes — at least if you’re moving in a new direction. If things are pretty much the status quo, then keep on moving. But be sure to put on snow tires. And spinners. And maybe one of those cucaracha horn sounds. Yeah, that’s hot.
What were we talking about again?
AQUARIUS
You start the day with a quick infusion of positive energy that might very well last all day long. If it’s due to an extremely strong batch of coffee, it’ll probably peter out at about 10:00am.
PISCES
Change is coming whether you want it or not — so why not embrace it and see what positive aspects it manifests?
Even if you turn into a scaley, slime-pussing space mutant that constantly drools, who knows? Maybe some guys dig that.