ARIES
You are concerned with how other people see you today — much more so than usual. It would probably be best if you just hide inside your house, or else your OCD grooming tactics will cause you to floss in front of dates and hand-pluck your eyebrows on the train.
TAURUS
Sometimes the best course of action is no action at all — especially in romance. Take it from me. I haven’t had to deal with romance in 52 years; neither has my wife.
GEMINI
Work on the social aspect of your life. You may find that there is a whole new world out there besides waking up, going to work, eating, masturbating, going to bed, and repeating. Not that I would know, but I’ve heard tell of such magical worlds.
CANCER
Conversations can reveal major things today. Like, is the laundry lady really stealing my socks? Is the woman I’ve been eyeing a trannie? Who the hell decided to differentiate betweet a cafe au lait and a latte?
LEO
You should find it easier than ever to make a solid impression on almost anyone. Just do what comes naturally and see what happens next. But remember: the thumb should be on the outside of the fist.
VIRGO
You should find that someone at work (or school, or wherever you find yourself during the day) is still on your mind tonight.
This could be unfortunate if one of your new year’s resolutions is less “alone time”.
LIBRA
Your home life could use some shaking up, and while that’s not exactly fun, it is still vital. Just be sure to strap down any breakable objects or small pets.
SCORPIO
Before you say ‘yes’ to that exciting invitation you should wait a few more days. Especially if that invitation is to the head coaching position of the Cleveland Browns, and your name is Jon Gruden.
SAGITTARIUS
While spirituality is important to you, it’s still a good idea for you to try to focus on the material world for now, since you are a material girl. Or material guy.
CAPRICORN
Do you need to show someone your best side? Today is the day for sure. If your best side is a nude pole-dance to the theme of “Shaft”, send me video. The stars command it.
AQUARIUS
Most of the important communications coming through today are arriving at subliminal levels. You may want to dust off your tinfoil helmet, or you may end up in the nuthouse.
Actually, the tinfoil hat may land you in the nuthouse, so damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
PISCES
There is no way to change the past, so you just need to get comfortable with it. Either that, or go buy a DeLorean and rally up Michael J. Fox.
Wait, did he die yet? No? *phew*