ARIES
Personal business can always seem less important than anything else, but today it’s paramount. There’s only 1 and a half more days of “me-time” until it’s holiday “family-time” where you’re cleaning up vomit in the family room while trying to find grandpa’s false teeth.
TAURUS
Social obligations aren’t as ironclad as you think. Find ways to free up some time. This can be anything from pretending to be sick to turning off your phone, to pretending you’ve been laid off. There are lots of ways to stop things from going into discussion mode. If all else fails, say you have syphilis.
GEMINI
Even though your brain isn’t firing on all cylinders today, you can still get a lot done. A lot of damage can be accomplished by banging your head into things. Just look at Gary Busey.
CANCER
You may not be in charge, but you know what to do. Assume the position.
LEO
Let someone else take the credit today — it should make up for the times when people assumed you were the one behind all things awesome when you weren’t around to correct their misunderstandings.
Oh, this just in: you were around. You just chose to be a jerk-off.
VIRGO
Your organizational skills are in high demand today, but you should be able to keep up with the pace. If all else fails, fill up the trash bags and dump them in the garage. Works for me.
LIBRA
Someone close needs help in a small way, but almost certainly doesn’t know how (or whom) to ask. To cover all bases, have everyone you know write wish letters to Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan. He’s the only reliable person in the world this year.
SCORPIO
Someone shows an ugly side today — it may be time to reevaluate this relationship. Who really wants to hang out with someone after they show you the dead conjoined fetus attached to their inner thigh?
SAGITTARIUS
Try to show some flexibility today — it’s more important than you realize. It’s most helpful for those situations where the “Crab Walk” and “Tilted Wheelbarrow” is necessary.
CAPRICORN
You reach a new destination today. It’s a sure sign that you are on the right path. Now to trade in that tricycle for something that will get you to the next stage quicker.
AQUARIUS
Animals are more appealing today, so spend quality time with pets — yours or someone else’s. Maybe steal a couple from the zoo. Catch a few roaches in your apartment. At least they don’t turn into oncoming traffic in mall parking lots and forget their credit card after finally getting to the cash register.
PISCES
Your love life reaches a new level today, and your great energy should help you to see it coming. Unfortunately, it is the holiday season, and your blinders may be on. Better off suspending anything romantic until the New Year. That way, you can become someone else’s sure-fire resolution.
Yes, ladies, I am available…