ARIES
Put your new ideas about life, love and especially your wallet to work today. It’s the Christmas season, which automatically means enlivening frostbite, mistletoe, and going into debt buying presents.
And yes, frostbite affects Southerners too. Just at higher temperatures, like 50 and 60 degrees. Wimps.
TAURUS
Your good energy is spilling out onto those you love, so it could well be a cuddle-fest at home or a spontaneous dance party with friends.
Especially for the ladies. Yes, the stars do mention something about an elderly amateur videographer from Iowa…
GEMINI
You can see what needs to be done right now, if you’ll only open your eyes wider. Pay no mind to the giant splinter.
CANCER
There’s a situation with the ratio of give and take going on with loved ones. This thing will work itself out. Just give it back. Return the favor.
LEO
Try to avoid bureaucracy of all kinds today. Your time is much too valuable to spend filling out forms about why you’re filling out forms to fill out a form about what flavor chewing gum you like. True story…
VIRGO
You are feeling somewhat more thoughtful than usual, which is really saying something! Most people had written you off as mentally handicapped long ago.
LIBRA
Your friends, neighbors and workmates are all backing you up today. That’s especially great, considering you got wasted last night and challenged Dr. Dre to battle rap.
SCORPIO
Life is usually intense when you’re around, especially on a day like today. You may find that your friends or family are wondering what, exactly, you’re up to. Do everyone a favor and lose the 10 gallon hat and flip-flops.
SAGITTARIUS
Stop yourself from moving forward today. You are right where you need to be now. Didn’t you see that bus scene in Final Destination? (shudder)
CAPRICORN
There’s been a silence between you and a loved one — reestablish contact today. Restraining orders be damned!
AQUARIUS
To get anywhere today, you should keep following the path of least resistance. Unless you’re on the roof of a building. That could be a bad plan.
PISCES
There’s no time for hesitation. Do what you want to do now or it might not happen. No if you’ll excuse me, I must peruse the unrequitted love letters and poems I haven’t sent in the last 15 years…