ARIES
If you’re first in line, everyone else should be able to keep cool while you take care of business.
Obviously, no one else wants to deal with that raving clown holding a gun in front of the rest of you.
TAURUS
Don’t let yourself get rushed today — you’ve got to take things at your own pace! It may feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but eventually you should find your groove and get plenty done.
That what she said. She’s probably still waiting, too.
GEMINI
There’s a good chance that any group you’re a part of is finding it hard to get moving today — so seize the initiative! Crown yourself the supreme ruler of the universe, make a contruction paper crown, and get on your way. The group will follow!
…eventually.
CANCER
You may need to keep a tighter rein over your mouth.
In the conversational way. Not the Master/Slave way.
LEO
Your easygoing energy can turn almost anything into a party. Unfortunately, nothing can really save bridge night, or The Olive Garden.
VIRGO
You need to keep to yourself a bit today — if only to avoid having to share anything that might be in demand, like your money, time, energy, books, needles…whatever.
LIBRA
You’re deeply involved with all sorts of people right now. It’s a great time to deepen your relationships even more. Ask them about their STDs. Learn the last time they peed their pants. Join a cult together!
SCORPIO
Your communications with a friend have been strained, but things will improve soon. They finally paid their cell phone bill!
SAGITTARIUS
Your creative side is fully active right now, so make the most of it! Paste that macaroni art like nobody’s business. Detail your car with Cheese in a Can. Wear a condom on your nose. Something is sure to catch on.
CAPRICORN
You need to put someone off today, hard as that may be. At least you’re not taking them out.
AQUARIUS
You are pushing things out beyond the expected today, and that could mean a lot of confused looks. It happened to me, too, when I rode a low-rider down Central Avenue in Crocs and an Indiana Jones hat…and nothing else.
PISCES
Obstacles will come and go right now, so focus on keeping your optimism strong. Unless those obstacles happen to be a 500 foot gorilla with a thing for blondes. That might be a tough obstacle to swing through.