Cincinnati, OH: Registered voter Ralph Dinkus has voted in every election for the last 30 years. He has voted for presidential candidates, Senate and House seats at the federal and state level, and has faithfully nominated a county dog-catcher once every four years. But this year he faces a dilemma: he has not received enough input to make a decision.
“I’ve done all my research. I turn on the evening news so I can watch all the commercials. I’ve clicked every link that somebody put on my Facebook page. I’ve followed celebrities on Twitter so I could use their collective wisdom. I’ve taken phone calls from President Clinton and John Boehner. But I just don’t feel as though I’ve heard enough,” explained Dinkus.
In years past, Mr. Dinkus used the same time-tested method that most Americans do: voting for whichever party their parents did. However, Mr. Dinkus, who is approaching the age where such issues as Social Security, healthcare, and slot machine regulations will have an impact on his future, has decided to take a more active approach to his political future.
“Sure, I could go to candidates’ websites, but we all know they’re biased. And those fact-checky things are overrated. I really feel that the best way to learn about candidates is to just sit back and absorb what they feed me. I mean, they’re not allowed to just LIE about stuff, right?” Mr. Dinkus said.
Political analyst Sarah McWahwah agreed with Mr. Dinkus’ position. “The fact is, those TV ads and robo-dial calls are the best way to make an informed opinion. They give in-depth information, never distort the facts, and always provide a positive message. In a recent poll, 130% of Americans stated they did not approve of negative campaign ads. Likewise, 218% of politicians stated that they refused to run attack ads against their opponents. Thus, this election is 340… 512… carry the one… it’s like a billion percent positive and accurate, with a margin of error of about 5,000%.”
Mr. Dinkus says that his options for the US Senate, for example, while exemplary candidates, both have deeply concerning flaws. “The one Republican fella is a fine, upstanding family man whose mama endorses him for the seat… but he also sends jobs overseas and hates gay black school teachers, according to his opponent. The Democratic dude has a wife and three kids he loves–I believe he adopted two of them from Angelina Jolie–but he also sends jobs overseas and hates Christian black school teachers.”
Both parties understand the concerns of the under-informed voters, but are wary of pushing too hard. The Ohio Democratic Party has turned off their automatic dialers, feeling as though 50 phone calls per household per day is nearly sufficient to educate voters. On the other hand, the local GOP establishment has pulled their campaign ads from evening news broadcasts, not wanting to interfere with the quality programming that is being provided.
Without the force-feeding of campaign materials to aid in his decision-making, Mr. Dinkus has come to a disturbing conclusion: this year, he may have to make up his own mind. “I dunno, maybe I’ll just stay home,” he said. “I already missed out on the in-person absentee early voting anyway. So really, it’s too late… what am I supposed to do, go to the polls on Election Day or something?”