Los Angeles, CA: Reports are unconfirmed at the moment, but it seems as if actor Charlie Sheen may finally be making progress to turn around his erratic behavior involving, drugs, alcohol, hookers, and phone calls to ex-wife Denise Richards.
After an altercation in a hotel room where he allegedly went crazy, trashed the room, and locked a prostitute in a closet after he failed to find his cell-phone, wallet, and keys, Sheen was escorted to a hospital by hotel personnel and Denise Richards, and then flown back to Los Angeles for immediate treatment for an affliction known as “Cranial-Refuted-Anyeuristic-Zeno-Yammering”, a well-known genetic anomaly affecting people in the Los Angeles, California area and the New York Metro area.
Allegedly, Mr. Sheen was able to control himself for 3 out of the 5 hours that he was on the plane. “We did a clean sweep of Mr. Sheen before we allowed him to board the plane. We confiscated 3 vials of crack-cocaine, 2 bottles of Jack Daniels, a bottle of vodka, and 4 prostitutes that apparently he had stuffed down his pants,” explained Federal Air Marshal Joshua Blankhaus. “It was our hope that we could make this trip as easy as possible for him as well as flight attendants.”
“It seemed to work for most of the trip,” continued Air Marshal Blankhaus. “Charlie Sheen seemed docile, drinking water and watching episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Unfortunately, coming into the fourth hour of the trip, Charlie Sheen went to the bathroom, alone. Twenty seconds later, music and yelling could be heard from the lavatory unit. Upon forcing the door open, we found Mr. Sheen partying with about twenty women at a full bar and what looked like twenty pounds of cocaine. How he snuck that through security is beyond me,” stated Air Marshal Blankhaus.
“Charlie stayed clean for 3 hours? That’s his best stint on the wagon yet,” stated Denise Richards. “Even better, he only called me 4 times while flying back to LA, and out of that, only threatened my life twice. I’d say that’s genuine progress.”
Doctor Xavier Cropsey, one of Sheen’s top psychological evaluators, explained that they “have high hopes that with a few years of counselling and medication, Mr. Sheen may be able to survive a whole flight without drugs, alcohol, and/or hookers.”