ARIES
The best strategy for today is to have no strategy whatsoever. So even reading this horoscope right now is a strategy to be avoided, which means that you should strategize in order to dismiss this current strategy.
How’s THAT for a brain-bender, Cusack?
TAURUS
Think before you speak today. Many lonely nights might have been avoided except for that incessant nervous chattering that helped leak that funny anecdote about how you learned what a diaphram was.
GEMINI
Focus on the details in a relationship this week. Do you share a sense of humor? Is the focus love or lust? Is she really a woman now after the surgery?
Questions like these will help you get what you want out of your coupling, or help you get out in a hurry.
CANCER
Step outside of your comfort zone — you’ll get a nice big boost to your confidence! Of course, you could also become like that reclusive guy that stepped out of his house for the first time in 15 years and got hit by a truck, but don’t let that stop you.
LEO
Today you’ll have a major role in producing something that will get you noticed. Unfortunately, these days the only thing that gets people noticed is a sex tape or a camera-phone picture of your junk, but at least it’s something.
VIRGO
Your inner scold is on the loose, and while you may be having fun at the expense of a coworker’s fashion, it’s you who bears the brunt.
Besides, these weather patterns have thrown color coordination and neatness right in the garbage. One random day, you too will wear a wool sweater while it’s 80 degrees. Probably as soon as tomorrow.
LIBRA
Seek out friends who make you laugh most. Save the decision-making for another day.
This is especially true if you are stranded in the mountains and have to resort to cannibalism to survive. You’d rather keep the funny ones around as long as possible to give a humorous spin to finally “sharing” your friend’s significant other.
SCORPIO
This is a ‘take charge and get things done’ kind of day. No, not in that way. Leave the whips and bondage gear at home. That isn’t the way to take control in the “outside” social environment.
SAGITTARIUS
Confess your deep and abiding admiration today — for a coworker, a hottie, an obscure ice cream flavor or whatever else has been on your mind so much lately. Your good energy should make it extra-meaningful! But don’t do it to a complete stranger on a subway while you’re just getting off at your stop, because that’s just evil.
CAPRICORN
There’s a lot of overlapping communication — so keep your intentions crystal clear. Shrimp or Chicken Pad Thai? The take-out order is in your hands.
AQUARIUS
You might not be top priority in someone else’s life right now — be patient. Just keep sending the food slop and skin lotion down the well, and something is bound to happen.
PISCES
Celebrations are worth splurging for, but be careful not to overdo things too much, or else you’ll end up like Ed Helms in The Hangover: helping film the least funny part of a movie because your contract dictates that you eventually have to sing.