Austin, TX: Conservative-leaning education leaders in Texas are pushing for a resolution that would denounce social studies textbooks as biased against Christianity and offering glorified views of the Islam faith, which, according to many in the clearly lacking Texas school system, “ain’t nothin’ more than a religion followed by terrorists, arabs, Osama Bin Laden, Cat Stevens, President Obama, and communists.”
The president of the Texas State Board of Education, Gail Lowe, supports the resolution and explains that it promotes religious equality in schools. This explanation is only understood by the president herself, who has admitted that she has not read a book “of any sort in durn near twenty years now.” However, her friends and family “swear” to her that the textbooks, in her words, “ain’t nothing but a bunch of hogwash that support terrorism and Afghanistan.”
The Texas Freedom Network, a group “made up of hippies, commies, and terrorists,” in Lowe’s words, has criticized the proposal and claims that the measure is nothing more than an attempt by the hard-right majority to force its religious and cultural beliefs upon the millions of under-educated school children in the state of Texas.
“It’s really hard to know if this board will pass something as inflammatory as this,” Texas Freedom Network spokesman Dan Quinn said. “I assume it will be close. This just proves that everything is bigger in Texas…except for the brains.”
Lowe flatly dismissed this criticism. “The resolution is not attacking that religious group. There are some, well, hippies mostly, that like to stir up controversy even when there isn’t any. And for the record, my brain is twice the size of the average person. My Meemaw and Peepaw told me this when I was a little girl and gosh darn it, they were right. And you can take that to the bank!”