Princeton, NJ: In a study released by Princeton University, researchers claim what has long been suspected: in high schools around the country, male athletes, with their muscular torsos, lantern jaws, and running ability, are more popular than skinny, awkward teenage boys with pale skin, shabby clothing, and concave chests. This comes as a shock to nobody, least of all the multitude of translucent-skinned males wandering the hallways of high schools, overlooked and forgotten by the millions of pubescent teenage females with absolutely no interest in learning about the joys of comic books or games of Dungeons & Dragons.
“I’ve known this all along,” claimed Dr. Allan Garfunkel, head researcher. “But we had money to spend on research, and what better way to spend it than take a swipe at the athletes? You may be surprised to learn this, but I was one of those forgotten boys in the hallways, and it still haunts me to this day.” (The Inept Owl reporter was not surprised when interviewing Dr. Garfunkel, especially after he, Dr. Garfunkel, left the office in tears when reminiscing about his “horrible, horrible” high school days)
According to financial reports, the study, conducted over a two year span, cost the university and taxpayers nearly four million dollars. This has angered some in the community.
“Four million dollars? Are you serious?” asked Jared Willow, the 6’3″ 215 pounds of perfectly sculpted Adonis-like manmeat and star quarterback of Hayfield High School (not to mention the boyfriend of the head cheerleader and Ford model, Natasha Bennimore). “God, that is so stupid. That makes me mad enough to beat up a nerd!”
Benjamin Bradley, the starting wide receiver and Brad Pitt look-alike for Hayfield High, agrees. “That’s such a waste of money, dude. Like, dude, seriously. Maybe if these dudes, like, went outside every once in a while and stopped playing that World of Warcraft game or whatever…they’d have more, like, with the girls. Is it my fault that the center of their chests looks like a soup bowl because they can’t lift anything heavier than a fork? No.”
Garfunkel, for one, agrees that the study was worth it. “My hope is that this study brings this issue to the forefront and causes change. No longer should this be acceptable. Nerds are people, too! Let the nerds be popular for once.”
“Yeah, right,” said Ford Model Natasha Bennimore. “The day that happens is the day that I will suddenly stop vomiting immediately after each meal.”