ARIES
You need to keep things close to home today — in fact, it’s best if you do as little as possible. Think of new ways to engorge yourself in slothdom, like using those novelty teeth gripper things to grab random objects to use as urinals so you don’t have to get out of bed, or creating a net of dirty underwear to catch things to eat, or at the very least scare your significant other into getting you food.
But don’t write any of that down. That would require work.
TAURUS
Hook up with friends or colleagues today — you need to work together to accomplish much of anything, and a good group scandal can do wonders, even in a personal setting.
GEMINI
Leave all sensitive communication for another day. Today’s weird energy short-circuits all your attempts to be serious or to relate your subtle feelings. Hospitals, funerals, and sex should be avoided at all costs, unless you’d like to carry around a recorder that has a laugh track and “Wocka Wocka” on a loop.
CANCER
It’s a fine day for you to explore the issues in your life that confuse you the most. Why is there evil in the world? What is happiness? Why do some people flip the toilet paper end over the roll, and some under? Where the hell has Anna Kournikova been hiding all this time? Who just farted?
Explore life’s mysteries, dear reader.
LEO
Be patient today and just let things take their course. You can’t rush nature. Nature, however, can rush you: straight to a public restroom, even when you swore you’d never set foot in one again after that last time.
VIRGO
You have to keep an open mind — at least about other people’s feelings. You can learn a lot if you keep pushing people to tell you what’s what, to the point that they think you’re begging for a fight because you were “accidentally flirting” with their girlfriend at the bar.
LIBRA
It’s up to you to establish communications today. You must make the first move. Whether that means pushing for a promotion, a date, or some sort of contact from that heartthrob celebrity that you are CERTAIN noticed you crossing Park Avenue while they were shooting a commercial, it’s all the same. Go for it.
SCORPIO
Making an effort counts for a lot. Give it your all, and others will soon notice. Do you think the Numa Numa guy, Amber Lamps, and Pauley Shore got to where they are today by being coy? No, they got out there and gave it their all, no matter how ridiculous their friends told them they looked.
SAGITTARIUS
Today will mark a major achievement. If it’s not yours, be generous with praise. Or steal it. Either way, it’s going to be an accomplishment.
CAPRICORN
Listen to some new music today to get your creative mojo working. If you only listen to classical, try Mystikal. If you listen to rap, try Leonard Cohen. If you listen to rock, try LCD Soundsystem. If you listen to Kenny G, go Van Gogh on yourself.
AQUARIUS
Don’t be afraid to ask for all the help you can. You’re in a supportive community. Oneofusoneofusoneofus….
PISCES
Something exciting is starting to percolate, and you’ll sense that strongly today.
Woops, sorry…that’s just my coffee. Carry on. Uh…many riches will award you this week. Blah blah, etc.