Phoenix, AZ: For the first time in decades, economic troubles have begun to affect what few believed would ever be touched: politicians.
It is well-known that people in public office usually make only a fraction of their normal yearly salary when they held a normal day job such as a lawyer or bank CFO or professional wrestler. President Obama’s yearly salary is merely $400,000, while a normal state senator makes a meager $174,000.
While most people could happily live off of half of those salaries, politicians usually receive campaign funding as
well, which opens up spending for such politically charged beach houses, cars, and the occasional secret lady/man of the night, whatever will help bolster the candidate’s credentials. The problems arise when the economy suffers, and companies scale back their campaign contributions. That is when the idea of “accustomed lifestyle” comes into play.
One such politician that fell prey to the economy is Kyle Heidicher of Phoenix, Arizona. Due to campaign cut-backs, Mr. Heidicher had been forced to campaign in the street, begging for change to bolster his chances of being elected.
“I had to make a choice: cut into my private accounts and sell my Range Rover in order to campaign for the office of Comptroller, or perform disgusting stunts like eating roaches, and begging for change. I opted for the less painful choice,” explained Mr. Heidicher after releasing his bowels on a park bench.
A woman, known as “Crazy Kung-Fu Lady” because of her change-collecting tactic of putting on a martial arts show in the street after chugging an eighth of vodka, has a similar problem with her campaign to be elected mayor. “What am I supposed to do, sell my broke-down flying saucer? How will I get back to Persina I-18 then?”
Coincidentally, both of these Arizona candidates are registered as Green Party members. This has drawn ire from both the Democratic Party and the Green Party, who claim that the candidates’ sponsor, Steve May, is creating sham campaigns in order to spread the votes out for Democratic and Green candidates.
“It’s ridiculous,” stated lawyer Paul Shenckenstein. “Even if Crazy Kung-Fu Lady is serious, she’d never be a valid candidate because she wasn’t born in the United States. She was born on Persina I-A-whatever. The fact is that Republicans are trying to put weird American people on the ballots because they know that a lot of Democrats have a sense of humor, and may just vote for them out of sheer irony. Look what happened in California? 5 porn-stars, a dwarf, and 2 dolphins made it to the ballot box, and Arnold Schwarzenegger gets elected. What kind of shit is that?”
Steve May and other Republicans disagreed. “These people aren’t shams! They aren’t fake, either,” explained Steve May. “Look, Mr. Hiedicher just ejaculated on the window of that Starbucks over there. Do you call that fake?”
“Democrats are always whining that we fix elections,” stated Bill O’Reilly. “Let me remind you that Democrats have staged their own sham campaigns to drive votes away from the Republican Party. ‘Tea Party’, ‘Sarah Palin’, and ‘Dan Quayle’ all come to mind. We’re just giving them a taste of their own medicine.”