New York, NY: With the public release of plans to turn the decrepit building of the Burlington Coat Factory into an Islamic Cultural Center/Mosque, American tensions have run high.
Anti-Muslim ideologies have gained more steam than when Comedy Central censored and then suspended South 
Park episodes that portrayed the Prophet Muhammad after the company and the show’s creators received death threats from a fat, hairy Jewish man turned Muslim who sincerely did not convert to Islam to rebel against his parents. The issue has to do with the proximity of the mosque in relation to the site of Ground Zero, where the World Trade Center fell due to terrorist activity and/or Hulk Hogan, depending upon who you ask.
“I’m not one to be against religious freedom, but I think it is distasteful that a symbol of the zealots that attacked America and brought on so much death and destruction would now be overlooking the site of that attack,” stated local political commentator Bill O’Reilly. “It would be like Audi opening a dealership in post-bombed London. It’s a ridiculous notion that would never, and should never, happen.”
When asked how the mosque would be overlooking the site, O’Reilly explained. “All you need to do is erect a mirrored room at the west side of the building, than attach mirrors to other buildings, zig-zagging for 2 blocks. Then, you would have a clear view of about 5 square feet of the north-western area of Ground Zero. I bet they’d start staging prayers in that direction instead of to Mecca.”
Former Alaskan governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin believed the view from the mosque to Ground Zero would be even more “accuratical”(aides explained she meant to say accute). “I’ve been to the Burlington Coat Factory back in 1995, and looking through the window on the 6th floor, I could easily look through the windows of the two buildings between the factory and the world Trade Center and see a gray brick or two of one of the Twin Towers,” stated Palin. “I bet if I got one of those high-powered telescopes, I could see it through a keyhole or two, 
also.”
Local resident John Phelps agreed. “The fact that Hulk Hogan has a penthouse overlooking Ground Zero is absolutely disgusting. I saw those leaked photos of what really happened. The city should be ashamed.”
Mayor Bloomberg has other issues about the buildings surrounding the site of Ground Zero.
“The nerve of opening up a Krispy Kreme donut store right next to Ground Zero in New York is appalling. Think of all the people who might have survived the attack if they weren’t so sluggish from their high-caloried morning meal,” stated Mayor Bloomberg. “I bet if there weren’t any donuts in a twenty block radius, thousands of live could have been spared.”
Yes, the Krispy Kreme corporation has indeed opened up a donut store in Manhattan, and unlike other volatile buildings like the BCF Mosque, this building is right at the doorstep of Ground Zero.
“I think of all the police officers and firemen that gave their lives to help in the aftermath of the fall of the Twin towers, and maybe, just maybe, they would have been a bit more limber if they hadn’t eaten a donut or two before… it’s disgusting such a monument would be placed on this hollowed ground,” stated Mayor Bloomberg.
While athleticism may have been inhibited by eating too many donuts, Krispy Kreme spokeswoman Daisy Ackerson disagrees. “Sure, donuts aren’t the healthiest food in the world, but figure this: who knows how many more people would have fallen into holes if they hadn’t been saved by their waistline,” explained Miss Ackerson. “It’s actually a shrine to the fallen, if you think about it.”
In order to appease protestors, Krispy Kreme has announced the release of a new donut with less fat and no calories, aptly named the “Ground Zero Gobbler.”