New York, NY: Trevor Sunderman has never been what one would call “a ladies man.” He’s 25 years old and lives in his parents’ basement. He reads Batman graphic novels and watches horror movies. He plays World of Warcraft when not working at his freelance job as a graphic designer. He listens to Modest Mouse. All of this these characteristics sound prime for an awkward romantic nerd movie, except that Trevor is still a virgin.
So when Mr. Sunderman learned that Michael Cera would, once again, be starring in a romantic nerd-comedy, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, he became extremely annoyed.
“I can’t fucking stand it!” explained a heated Trevor. “I must have watched hundreds of these movies where the nerdy, awkward guy gets the girl in the end, and every time I watch one, I try to duplicate the scenario in order to get the same thing to happen to me. But it always ends the same: with me in the middle of a crowded mall with my pants down and a half-full Slushie poured over my head, and still without a girfriend.”
In the first instance instance, Trevor had watched 3 O’Clock High when he was in high school, and decided to get into a fight with the leather jacket-wearing bad-boy of the school, Mike Holtz. However, instead of having his English teacher, the popular chick, and the goth chick all vying for his affection after beating up Mr. Holtz, Trevor was knocked unconscious, had his pants stolen from him, and was jammed into a locker in the girls’ locker room for the weekend.
A year later, Trevor decided that he would match his skills against the presumed top skier in the northeast, Ryan Polenta, in order to woo Polenta’s girlfriend. However, unlike John Cusack, Trevor ended up being carted off the slopes by a medical team with a fractured femur and two broken ribs and not one French girl in sight.
The last time Trevor tried to re-enact finding love like an awkward romantic nerd movie was last year, when he ended up getting arrested at a teenage house party with a tube of lube. Technically, he did lose his virginity in jail that weekend, but not in the way Trevor intended.
“I just wish these movies had some semblance of reality, so I would know what the hell to do to find a woman,” Trevor explained. “I really need all the help I can get.”
Trevor’s plight is not merely his own. Reknowned sociologist Dr. Ralph Genero has been studying nerd culture and mating rituals for years, and has yet to come up with a strategic answer.
“The problem obviously stems from a lack of social outlets for nerds and dorks,” explained Dr. Genero. “Are there nerd girls out there for nerd guys? Absolutely! The problem is how to get these specimens out from behind their books and computer screens and put them together in a social atmosphere and get them to communicate. If that means getting them drunk, so be it.”
Trevor disagrees. “Hiding out in my house is what makes me, me. How am I supposed to surprise people by taking off my mascot uniform at a football game and driving a team down the field for the game-winning touchdown so that a cheerleader falls in love with me if I don’t continue being my nerdy self?”
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for young Trevor Sunderman. He plans to wait out for a zombie apocalypse, and survive long enough to be the sole, remaining virile male on the planet. “It’s a can’t lose situation. Just look at what it got Jesse Eisenberg?”
