Johannesburg, South Africa: Officials in South Africa are mystified by a tremendous surge in homicides that involve vuvuzelas. Recent crime statistics have shown that the low-key, lovable horn occasionally used by soccer fans is being used for a much darker purpose.
“It is truly bizarre… we have no idea why this is happening,” said Chief Michael Drogba, head of police in Johannesburg. “It is a
beloved item, one that is central to the culture of the sport. Yet suddenly, we are finding case after case where vuvuzelas are being used in the commission of a crime–often against its owner!”
Chief Drogba cited some startling statistics. In the past month, over 1,000 people were killed by blunt force trauma to the head caused by vuvuzelas (the distinct shape of the horn’s mouth leads to easy identification as a murder weapon). Another 500 were killed by the horns being wrapped around the owner’s neck. Most mysteriously, 5,000 people were killed by the vuvuzela being inserted into various orifices of their bodies.
“A few were put in people’s ears–and then blown at full volume,” said Chief Drogba. “Some others were shoved down the owners’ throats. But in the vast majority of these cases, the vuvuzelas were actually shoved up the owners’ backsides–which makes no sense, since they are not designed for that location.”
Officials are speculating that the homicides may be the result of one or more serial killers with an oral fixation. “It’s the only thing that makes any sense,” said Martin Ombapi, head of the CSI: Cape Town department. “What other explanation could there be? Vuvuzela owners are quiet and peaceful and give nobody any reason to harm them.”
Vuvuzela owners in South Africa are now on high alert. Several local soccer fan organizations have begun giving their members alert whistles, in the hope that a loud, annoying sound will scare off any would-be attackers. They have been encouraged to gather in large groups in public locations, such as sporting venues, to ensure their safety. The hope is that, by enjoying their vuvuzelas in contained areas without any means of broadcasting their actions, they will avoid notice from those who would harm them.
In the meantime, police efforts will be ramped up. Officials plan to place undercover officers at various vuvuzela-related events, equipped with muskets designed to look like the popular horns. While there are some mild concerns about officers blowing into the wrong end of the disguised weapons, it is assumed that all of the kinks will work themselves out promptly.