Los Angeles, CA: The Social Security Administration recently released its ever-popular “Most Popular Baby Names” list for 2009. And just what names were at the top of the top ten? Jacob and Isabella—two sides of the teenage bestiality love triangle known as the Twilight series.
In case you’re one of the few people in America who has not been visually assaulted by the posters, bookmarks, bags, buttons, t-shirts, lunch boxes, and thongs sporting the Twilight trio, Isabella is the young heroine of the young
adult book series. Your typical angsty teenage girl, she manages to find herself in a love triangle with Edward, a vampire that glitters like a drag queen, and Jacob, a Native American werewolf still in puberty.
Stephenie Meyer, the creator of the series, beamed with undeserved pride when she heard the news. “Wow. I’m so happy,” she told reporters. “I bet Lestat never made the list. See? I’m so much better than Anne Rice.”
Jacob was found to be the most popular name for a new baby boy during 2009, proving that the average mother is on “Team Jacob”—or that they’re secretly pining away for the 17 year-old Twilight star Taylor Lautner and his six-pack abs.
When asked why she chose to name her new son Jacob, Kelly Smith replied “Werewolves are hot. And my son, he’s like 1/50th Native American. On his dad’s side.”
Isabella also came in at the number one spot, beating out the usual boring suspects, including Emma, Emily, Abigail, and Madison. All these new Isabellas will likely be called “Bella” in honor of the teenage literary heroine without a clue.
“Oh, definitely!” says Angie Wilson, mother of a new Isabella. “I already call her Bella. I mean, Bella was such a strong female figure in the books. And I want a strong daughter.”
But not everyone was happy to see Jacob and Isabella at the top of the list.
ZooZan Smart, author of the bestselling 1,000 Baby Names Sure to be Misspelled and Mispronounced, was horrified to learn of the 2009 data. “It’s a shame, really,” she says. “All those great names out there and we’re going to have a gazillion Jacobs and Isabellas flooding our classrooms. Those parents should not have been allowed to reproduce.”
Several Hollywood celebrities were also horrified by the news. Gwyneth Paltrow, who named her daughter Apple, told reporters that she’s “disturbed by the lack of creativity in this country. There should be a limit on the number of babies with a particular name. It would really bother me if my Apple was one in a whole bushel of Apples.”
Smart agrees with Paltrow. “We should have more parents like Spike Lee. Satchel is such a cool kid’s name! And kudos to Jason Lee for naming his son Pilot Inspektor! How awesome is that?”
The name Edward did not make the list at all, causing Rob Pattinson to throw a sparkly tantrum and refuse to wash his hair for a month.