Galveston, TX: When it comes to addiction in society, the addict can generally be found by certain noticeable tells: a heroin addict may have track-marks up their arms; crack addicts generally twitch a lot, sweat profusely, and give off a horrible smell; 80s music addicts tend to listen to The Cure a lot and over-use words like “totally” and “definitely”.
Today, a new addiction has become a focus in the public eye, one that your own children may be privy to, if indeed you have any children. The idea of this addiction is not necessarily new, but, finally, evidence has 
been introduced to support the claims, in the form of college polls and hypotheses, at least.
That addiction is tanning.
In a long-winded essay with no actual scientific experiments, findings, or anything else substantial, a report from an index on Dermatology stated that, due to answers from the substantially numbered sample of 229 high school and college-aged individuals, 30% of the globe show signs of an addictive personality. Of that 30%, over 70% stated that they could not cut down on tanning, 20% stated that their skin begins to feel like its peeling when untanned for more than a day, and 10% believe that David Hasselhoff’s tan is totally fake.
Our own tests proved inconclusive. In five different control settings, we placed tanned individuals from the greater New York area(which, considering the season, would mean they are tanning) into different cells without sunlight, ultraviolet light, food, or water for ten days, and monitored them. Out of the ten individuals, seven died, two recessed into comas, and one barely was able to leave the cell without giving our staff the finger.
We cannot say for sure, but it is believed that all of these results were from differing levels of tanning addiction.
“When you are addicted to something, the withdrawal symptoms can be substantial,” explained research director Thad Barnaby. “They can even result in death if the addiction is critical. This is why people who become addicted to heroin usually go on methadone. The trick is to find the proper symptom appeaser for these poor individuals addicted to tanning.”
Unfortunately, that placebo has yet to be found. Tanning salons still run rampant, selling their services at as late as 3:00am. Spray-on tan stock has never been higher.
Only a select few are able to ascertain the services of a truly pure tanning experience at any time of the year, besides those living in the southern states. One such group is the ever present cast of Jersey Shore. Rumor has it that the entire cast refused to work in the winter unless the show was moved to Miami, Florida.
DJ Pauly D, best known for…his work on Jersey Shore, seemed to have an alterior motive, and may be the only cast member without a tanning addiction. Apparently, Pauly D had jumped at the chance to deejay at a prolific Miami dance club. It is unknown if Pauly D is knowledgeable that the club, Twist, is actually a gay night-club.