Montcoal, WV: In the aftermath of a mining accident that had killed at least 25 miners in the mountains of West Virginia, rescue attempts to account for, and hopefully save, the missing miners have been suspended three times. The cause? Lethal gas-leaks in the mines that could cause volatile and explosive reactions and cause the mine to collapse and kill everyone inside.
While no further information about the suspended rescues was released to the media, we interviewed our science staff, who are at the top of their fields in biology, chemistry, physics, scientology, and other science-type subjects.
At least, more knowledgeable than the field staff.
It is with this insight that we hope to learn the dangers of gas-leaks within a mine in order to take better
precautions in the future.
“The problem with a gas-leak in such an enclosed space is molecular displacement,” explained Dr. Daniel Schaeffer. “Flatulence particles are much more dense than O2[oxygen] molecules. That difference in density causes the molecular bonding to disintegrate, making it harder for the human body to collect the necessary oxygen to breathe.”
Dr. Schaeffer’s assistant, Dr. Stefan Levermann, had created a large, imposing graph, detailing this molecular displacement. “This is why it is so dangerous to fart in enclosed spaces, elevators included. It is not just bad social etiquette. It is downright lethal.”
Doctors Jennifer Ridley and Melanie Randall helped explain how unpredictable these gas leaks can be, especially in a mineshaft.
“Basic physics dictates that gas build-up, once released, will travel through the path of least density,” stated Dr. Ridley. “In a mineshaft, the least resistance is coming from the entrance of the mine. So if you find yourself between a human body and the entrance at any point, you are in danger of being up-wind if that other body releases a stinky fart.”
“That is why this rescue attempt is so tricky,” added Dr. Randall. “Even if the rescue team eats nothing but bread and water hours before returning to their efforts, there is nothing stopping the survivors that they are trying to save from letting one rip, and jeopardizing the entire operation and their own lives.”
Other staff scientists are taking a more pro-active approach to the gas problems, in order to aid the rescue attempts in West Virginia, and for future mining catastrophes. Doctors Jared Alderman and Peter Ersted have begun testing on an air purifier designed around the genetics of actor Nicholas Cage, who seems to have the natural ability to survive in the worst environments. Roaches were the first choice, however, common human biology is not compatible with roach genetics.