St. Charles, IL: While most schools sell baked goods or magazine subscriptions to raise money, the school music booster club in the Central Community Unit School District 301 has decided to sell bags of “Paca Poo”.
Not to be confused with Cockapoo, the kick-me-sized poodle mix that is in vogue amongst allergy-ridden
dog lovers, paca poo is actually manure of the alpaca animal.
For those unfamiliar with the animal, alpacas are South American llama look-alikes. They are raised for their coats, which is similar to wool and used for making knitted and woven items such as blankets, sweaters, scarves, and tacky South American ponchos worn by dirty hippies.
When asked why the music club decided to sell paca poo over Krispy Kreme donuts or the ever-popular copies of Readers Digest, booster club secretary Gudrun Dorgan told reporters that the music club “didn’t want to contribute to obesity or paper waste in any way.”
So, they decided to make a stink instead.
“It’s great garden fertilizer,” Dorgan added. “It comes in little pellets that are easy to work into the ground.”
“And it doesn’t smell that bad,” added Jeff Koehl, owner of the alpaca farm that will be supplying the paca poo. “Alpacas digest their food more efficiently than most farm animals, so it stinks less.”
Alpacas generally eat hay and other grasses which, like their llama cousins, they like to spit back out. Possibly at the children collecting their poo pellets.
But students, parents, and teachers from the school district are not deterred by potential alpaca spitting. They plan on scooping and bagging the paca poo themselves.
“It’s really easy,” says Koehl. “The alpacas have communal poo piles so the kids can just scoop from there. The males tend to have fewer piles, whereas the females like to form a line and all go at once. If one goes, they all go,” laughs Koehl. “Just like women. Can’t go to the bathroom alone!”
A thirty pound bag of paca poo will sell for $10. Worried about competition, the local Home Depot will be having a “No Poo For You Sale” on MiracleGro and other poo-free fertilizers.
“Alpacas think their s**t don’t stink, but it do,” said local Home Depot employee, Jorge Hernandez de Jesus. “So we not worried. We sell stink-free fertilizer. And it not shoveled by school children.”