Norfolk, VA: In a long-awaited move, the United States Navy has announced plans to ban smoking on submarines, effective December 31, 2010. This comes as a great relief to many non-smokers, while others have threatened to mutiny if the ban is instituted.
Nearly 13,000 sailors are assigned to the 57 submarines in the U.S. Navy’s fleet. It is estimated that 35 to 40 percent of the sailors are regular smokers. Not surprisingly, the news of the ban has brought about numerous complaints. The Navy hopes that its aggressive smoking cessation programs will allay the sailors’
moodiness.
“F**k that,” exclaimed Seaman Recruit Joseph Buttercup. “They stop us from smoking and it’s going to be like that old-ass movie about those dudes who took over that ship and made that one captain dude go stay on that island because he was a mean douche.”
“He’s right,” agreed Buttercup’s bunkmate, Petty Officer Third Class Melvin Hutchkiss. “There ain’t nothing to do when you’re down there except smoke and jerk the gherkin. Take one of those away and it’s Captain Bligh and Fletcher Christian all over again.”
“What? Who’re those dudes?” asked Buttercup.
“This policy was initiated for the health of the sailors who choose not to smoke,” said Lt. Commander Mark Jones, spokesman for the Commander Naval Submarine Forces in Norfolk, Virginia. “It is unfair for them to be exposed to the unhealthy side effects of second-hand smoke.”
“Yeah? Well, it’s also unfair to keep us underwater for months at a time. What are we, whales?” asked Hutchkiss. “I think that we should be allowed to surface once per hour. For ten minutes. That way, we can all get smoke breaks throughout the day.”
“Not going to happen,” said Commander Jones, when informed of this alternative. “Be a man and suck it up.”
“I got something for you to suck,” said Hutchkiss. “Sir.”