Raleigh, NC: Due to continued pressure from government officials, public libraries across the state have slashed the salaries of their librarians last week.
The typically docile librarians took to the streets this past Saturday to protest the cuts to their already meager salaries. Few people noticed, however, since the librarians tend to be a quiet bunch. Fortunately, a few reporters did catch wind of the event and were on site to interview the protestors.
“I could barely afford the cost of my cardigans and orthopedic footwear,” lamented one librarian to reporters. Another became teary-eyed as she recounted how she was forced to give away her beloved tabby cat 
named Bookworm: “I miss him terribly, but I couldn’t afford his kibble,” she said. “I haven’t vacuumed my carpet in weeks. I want to preserve his smell as long as possible.”
Watching their paycheck amounts dwindle, many stated that they have sought after-hours employment elsewhere.
One children’s librarian, for example, is now sharing newspaper routes with local schoolchildren. “I couldn’t even afford a bike,” he told reporters. “But one kid was nice enough to rent me his until I could get my own.”
Others found employment in local retail outlets. Several, however, were let go after their supervisors found them organizing merchandise according to the Dewey Decimal Classification System. “They put 394.12 on a steak! The customers thought that was the price!” complained grocery store manager Biff Burkus.
Some librarians, who preferred to stay anonymous, told reporters that they now work part-time for the adult entertainment industry. “I play a naughty librarian,” said one. “You may have seen me in Debbie Does Dewey.” Another works at a local gentleman’s club and has gained popularity for her talents involving a bookcart-centered striptease.
It was two recent arrests of librarians, however, that finally grabbed the public’s attention and brought the problem into the media spotlight. Betty Bronson was arrested on Monday for using her library’s bookmobile to deliver illegal drugs. Dorothy Rackley was arrested this morning on charges of organizing a prostitution ring that prided itself on being both intellectually and physically pleasing.
Officials are now reconsidering the salary cuts. “We can’t have our librarians working the streets,” complained Mary Borstein, the president of the State Association of Librarians. “It goes against the librarian stereotype that we work so hard to uphold.”