For the past week and a half, you would be hard-pressed not to see or hear the words “Corey Haim”, as the
celebrity death-purge that has been covered for the last two years took the life of 80’s Teen Bop superstar Corey Haim.
However, there seems to be an almost mythical belief that it was only the Two Coreys(including still living Corey Feldman) that were starring in 80’s films. Bring up any 80’s movie to a random person to test their knowledge: 3/4 of the population will name either Corey Haim or Corey Feldman.
And so, due to the high importance this knowledge has to the free world, I bring you a Fact and Fiction segment, dedicated to learning the truth about alleged Corey Haim films.
Belief: Corey Haim once played a handicapped werewolf hunter that hung out with Gary Busey.
Fact or Fiction: FACT.
One of Corey Haim’s first films was an adaptation of a Stephen King novella Cycle of the Werewolf where he played a paraplegic hillbilly with a super-sonic wheelchair. However, Haim’s role was overshadowed by a drunken Gary Busey, who actually built the wheelchair, turning an interesting horror movie into something that could be made by Disney.
Belief: Corey Haim starred as Mikey, the asthmatic leader of a bunch of social outcasts and treasure-hunters from Oregon, in The Goonies.
Fact or Fiction: FICTION.
While it is believed that the Coreys were inseparable on the silver screen, as shown by a movie like Dream A Little Dream being granted a sequel, the only Corey to hang out with Sloth and harrass Mexican maids was Corey Feldman. The person mistakenly thought of as Corey Haim is actually Sean Astin, whose career expanded in his later years. Astin later played such roles as the friend of Brendan Fraser circa 20,000 BC, a Notre Dame football benchwarmer named Rudy, and the friend of a gay hobbit.
Belief: Corey Haim once played a closeted “Flock of Seagulls” fan that hunted Keifer Sutherland and that guy from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey.
Fact or Fiction: FACT.
Corey Haim played the brother of a vampire reject in possibly the greatest film to his credit, The Lost Boys. Unfortunately for Mr. Haim, his clothing and lack of sexual appeal in the bath-tub was overshadowed by the other Corey, who was a renegade vampire hunter whose base was a comic book store.
Belief: Corey Haim once played the part of a talking duck from another planet, sent to defeat a giant space alien with a neutron disintegrator laser.
Fact or Fiction: FICTION.
Although the similarity is uncanny, Corey Haim was not the star of the Oscar award-slighted Howard the Duck. The role of the wise-cracking, guitar-playing beau of Lea Thompson was actually little Ed Gale, who went on to play other amazing roles such as Chucky from Child’s Play.
Belief: Corey Haim once played an undercover agent investigating a gang of rollerblading white supremacists, who sold drugs to the poor in order to make them impotent and horrible rollerbladers.
Fact or Fiction: MOTHAF*CKIN FACT!!!!!!
During the globes infatuation with roller-skates whose wheels were in line with each other, a movie came out depicting a gang of white 80’s retards that roller-skated around beating people up and selling drugs. The movie was Prayer of the Rollerboys. It is believed that the film’s creators came up with the idea while drunkenly watching A Clockwork Orange, and believed there may be people above the age of 12 that would watch a movie about rollerblading. The movie was rated R.
I hope this clears up the questions surrounding Corey Haim and his mark in the film industry. If there are any others that you are unsure of, I will gladly heckle you about being more obsessed with this deceased has-been than I am.