Cambridge, MA: A study released today by Harvard scientists proves what has long been suspected – fans of the number one television program, American Idol, are retarded. The study, headed by Harvard Senior Scientist Jacques Martinique, was funded by private investors and conducted over a three year span. Surprisingly, the total cost of the 
research was less than one million dollars.
“If you knew anything about scientific research, you’d know that one million dollars for a three year project is cheap,” said Doctor Martinique. “It was quite possibly the easiest Scientific Research Investigation I, and my team, have ever conducted.”
When asked how the study was conducted, Martinique explained, “It was easy. We knocked on the doors of two hundred homes in the mid Atlantic region of the United States. Out of these two hundred homes, we discovered one hundred and eighty two individuals who claimed to be fans of the show and/or Simon Cowell.”
These individuals, explained Martinique, were forcibly escorted to a research center on the Harvard campus and administered a variety of tests that measured their intellectual capacity. “It was hard to pull these idiots, I mean, people, away from their television sets, but we finally succeeded.”
“Eighty-nine percent of those tested were found to be mentally incompetent and with an average IQ of less than sixty-five. Any person with an IQ of less than seventy-five is considered to be retarded. The remaining eleven percent were found to be liars,” claimed Edward Mulligan, Doctor Martinique’s research assistant.
Mulligan continued. “Many of the eighty-nine percentiles claimed to be unable to read, while many others claimed to be unable to dress themselves without assistance. It was sad, really.”
“And seventy-two percent of these unwilling individuals were found to be grossly overweight”, continued Martinique. “The long commercial breaks during the hour-long show allowed the viewers to take numerous food breaks, which led to excessive weight gain. I mean, it’s bad enough that they’re stupid, but fat as well?”
Martinique plans to conduct a second study that will examine why American Idol has succeeded where MTV’s Say What? Karaoke had failed. “It’s the same damn concept. American Idol just has an entire band instead of a karaoke CD. I aim to find out what went wrong.”