Today, musician and chronic Twitterer John Mayer issued a press release apologizing for his recent controversial comments in Playboy magazine. The following is a transcript:
MAYER: Recently, it has come to my attention that certain statements I made during an interview with Playboy were taken out of context and read in what could be construed as an offensive fashion. I am speaking today to set the record straight.
I truthfully never expected such a reaction to my words; I had no idea that people actually read Playboy for the articles. Between
the naked chicks, the cartoons with naked chicks, and the jokes about naked chicks, I didn‘t figure anyone would even realize I did an interview with them. It was buried about 30 pages deep, and it’s common knowledge that most men can’t last more than 10 or 15 pages. That being said, I would like to address the specific issues raised in regards to the article.
First off, my penis is not actually a white supremacist in any way. I checked with the FBI and the Southern Poverty Law Center, and there are no records of Little John being listed among any active hate groups in the United States. Furthermore, the photos circulating on the internet of my wang-doodle dressed in a white sheet are from a recent Halloween party and in no way imply membership in the Ku Klux Klan. In fact, some of Little John’s best friends are black; just the other day, he was hanging out at Tracy Morgan’s house playing a little pinochle. Considering that every third phrase out of Tracy’s mouth is “That’s racist!” do you really think Little John would be welcome there unless he dug black dudes?
Secondly, I have an actual “hood pass” given to me by a fan at one of my concerts. It’s a little placard that I put on my dashboard if I park in the hood and it says that nobody is allowed to steal my hubcaps while I’m looking to score some pot. From what I understand, it works great… I mean, it’s not like *I* go to the hood–those people are scary, man–but when I send my assistant to buy some dank, he never has any problem with his car being damaged.
However, I would like to apologize for my use of the N-word. I tried to intellectualize an emotionally-charged word, and apparently you plebeians cannot wrap your mind around how awesome I am. The fact that people were offended is obviously a result of their small-mindedness, not mine. I furthermore acknowledge that in singling out African-Americans, I offended all the other minority groups that I excluded. Women, gays, Mexicans, quadriplegics, the mentally handicapped, cancer victims, and Glenn Beck viewers. In order to make amends, I have composed a list of words I will use in my next interview: bitches, pillow-biters, spi–err, what?
[whispered interjection from Mayer’s PR representative]
MAYER: Ahem. I have been instructed by my representation to not go into my list at this time. However, it will be available in my exclusive interview with Hustler next month. In the meantime, please know that I did not intend my comments to be offensive, and I have in no way benefited from all the publicity surrounding this issue. I did not gain 50,000 Twitter followers the next day, and sales of my new album “Battle Studies” did not increase as a result. Thank you.