New York, NY: This past weekend, thousands of pamphlets were printed by the New York City Health Department. While many pundits had speculated the pamphlets may be about eating healthy on the cheap or yet another list of H1N1 warning signs, reports have uncovered the pamphlets to be a “How To” guide in using heroin.
The handout offers 10 tips for the safer use of heroin and other intravenous drugs. It goes as far as to describe how to prepare drugs carefully like “use fresh tap water, not mineral or spring water,” “use a new cooker spoon every time,” to cautionary social rules like “don’t let Axl Rose or Amy Winehouse into your vicinity when shooting up because they’ll use all your sh*t.”
While many people, such as drug enforcement agents, police officers, parents, teachers, and doctors, believe this education to be a mistake, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg disagrees.
“Nobody condones drug use,” Bloomberg explained, “But if you’re going to use it, it is not in anybody’s interest in society to have you get HIV and AIDS. Or worse, Amy Winehouse.”
Mayor Bloomberg also plans to host a series of “How To” videos, the first being in line with the heroin pamphlet. “Hey, if I can cook dope, prep a needle, tie myself off and shoot, then anybody should be able to,” Bloomberg stated.
Detractors of the pamphlets were surprisingly in favor of the video. “There are certain things that a video can do that a piece of paper just can’t,” explained DEA agent Brian Kenneth. “In the video, short clips of certain notorious celebrities are shown while they were at their worst. Believe me, a couple shots of Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, and Axl Rose at their worst with the word ‘USER’ above their head, and people will be scared of needles at doctors appointments.”
May Bloomberg’s other “How To” videos will include “How To Make Magic Brownies”, “How To Get Hit By A Moving Vehicle”, and “How To Cheat On Your Hot Scandanavian Wife and Not Get Caught”.