Copenhagen, DENMARK: The debates about climate change, both politically and scientifically, had seemingly become a stalemate. Both global warming supporters and detractors(or, the other way around) began mud-slinging during discussions, which brings the natural assumption that neither side knows what is happening, and what can be corrected if there is, indeed, anything wrong.
The latest United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen had been no different. While one group of environmental
scientists stated that results from experiments and statistics point to human influences that are dictating current environmental changes, another group of scientists simply stated that these results “don’t mean sh*t.” During UN conferences such as these, the debates become even more incoherent, as political figures from different countries, speaking in many different languages, seem to repeat whatever they have heard from analysts that were speaking an entirely different language than theirs.
Finally, an answer came out of the confusion, or more particularly, a pastel green spaceship that looked like a blimp, which appeared out of the clouds on Friday. That answer was a frail old man with an odd skin coloring, going by the name Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth.
Professor Farnsworth interrupted the closing remarks session of the conference with his entrance by materializing by the podium, exclaiming, “People of American Idol!” before falling into a narcoleptic nap. Upon awakening, he stated to the conference a few sure-fire ways to “stop this nonsense” and get on with their backwards lives.
“You’re afraid of climate change? Well, good news everyone, the surface of earth will be decimated by meteors before climate change will get to the point of boiling off the Earth’s oceans! And by that time, we will have installed gigantic ice machines in the oceans, so it’s a moot point,” stated Prof. Farnsworth.
Following his rant, Prof. Farnsworth explained a few ideas that could help ease debating minds. One “latest invention,” as he called it, was a giant satellite hair dryer which he called “The Space Breeze.” The hair dryers, each which are about the size of New Zealand, would act as “giant miniature” climate controllers, sending warm or cold air currents through the atmosphere, depending on what is needed to keep Earth’s climate regulated.
When it was explained to the professor that the technology to build and send a giant hair dryer into space was not available, he stated, “Idiots!” and began explaining another idea.
Professor Farnsworth’s other “latest invention” was a temporal inhibitor that would be drilled into the Earth’s core. Running on dark matter or whale oil, this device would allow the Earth to be manually rotated on full axis in order to allow an even heating, then cooling, of parts of the planet when necessary. “And if it becomes all too hot, everyone can put on big windowshade hats. Problem solved!”
When the professor was asked what dark matter was, he simply shook his head, and was beamed back to his spaceship, never to be seen again.