Undisclosed Area, North Pole Sector: In a shocking turn of events that has rattled a tight-knit northern community to its core, a dentist at the North Pole has been arrested and charged with possession of an illicit substance. Police are only identifying the suspect as “Dr. H” for the time being, but unnamed sources in the reindeer stable have told reporters that the suspect’s name is Hermey.
According to the arrest report, Dr. H was caught late last night during a routine traffic stop. The alleged perpetrator
was apparently snowmobiling in the nude. He was found to have over a pound of powdered sugar in his possession; Dr. H was also found to be in possession of a “naughty-or-nice” list rolled into a straw, with candy cane residue in it.
People familiar with the suspect said that Hermey has had a troubled past. “From the beginning, he had trouble fitting in,” said Foreman Elf, head of the toymaking factory at Santa, Inc. “He had a perfectly good job building toys, but all he wanted to do was play with dolls. In particular, he was fascinated with putting things in their mouths.” Hermey’s friend Charlie-in-the-Box likewise told reporters, “He didn’t really fit in, even among the kinda freaky characters I hung out with. There was something a little bit off about him.”
Ever since Hermey began his dentistry practice several years ago, a series of unusual events have surrounded him. Former best friend Rudolph quietly left town with his family after a series of rumors came out about an inappropriate relationship between Hermey and Rudolph arose. Town favorite Bumble died late last year due to complications from an impacted canine tooth, a dental issue that professionals say should have been easily diagnosed and treated. Santa himself voiced concerns about having a dentist’s office within his workshop, and eventually asked Hermey to take his practice to the outskirts of town. “Truth be known, I didn’t like the way he kept staring at the kewpie dolls. It was pretty creepy,” Santa later admitted.
In the meantime, Hermey is being held in the local jail, awaiting arraignment. Court staff told reporters that it could take over a week to get Hermey on the docket. “Not because we’re busy,” said Tall Elf, chief magistrate for the courts. “We just don’t work the week of Christmas. Besides, bail has been set at $50,000, so nobody’s going to be getting him out anytime soon.”
Hermey’s live-in roommate, Yukon Cornelius, is believed to be attempting to raise bail money; he was seen headed into the mountains, tossing his pickaxe into the air, then licking the end that stuck in the ground when it fell.
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