Palm Beach, FL: Burt Reynolds, of Smokey the Bandit and Cosmopolitan Magazine fame, has been released from a rehabilitation center where he was treated for an addiction to painkillers. The 73 year old actor, singer, songwriter, and American Icon was admitted to the Hanley Center last month after a particularly vicious fall at his massive estate in Hobe Sound, a rich enclave in Palm Beach County, left him addicted to painkillers.
According to sources, he fell off of the trampoline in his back yard. Reynolds was rushed to the hospital after complaining of a sore thumb and was immediately prescribed ten different painkillers. By the time he was released from the hospital two hours later, he discovered that he was addicted to Percocet and Oxycontin, the powerful drug normally prescribed for terminal cancer patients and those suffering from unbearably traumatic pain.
This was not Reynolds’ first run-in with prescription medication. In the 1980’s, he admitted to being addicted to the sleeping aid Halcion after many sleepless nights of pondering such career choices at Smokey and the Bandit III and Rent-a-Cop, both of which were commercial, critical, and utter failures, and only contributed to Reynolds’ eventual career decline.
“I have conquered my addictions to pain medication and am now ready to begin the next phase of my life and career,” Reynolds exclaimed on the steps of his home, hours after being released. “I was surprised to discover a whole pile of scripts on my couch today when I got home and I’m looking forward to reading them all and making choices that will best serve my rebounding career.”
It is rumored that among the numerous titles vying for Reynolds’ attention are the following: Speed 3: F**k Keanu, Dances with Wolves II: Dancing with Buffalo, and Saw VII: There Will Never Be an End to This Franchise as Long as Idiots Continue to Pay to Watch All of the Movies in the Series.
When asked if she was rooting for Reynolds to succeed and conquer his latest addiction, Paris Hilton was heard to inquire, “Who the f**k is Burt F**king Reynolds?”