Grand Blanc, MI: This past week, the general public was disgusted and distraught due to a scandal involving Tiger Woods. Thanks to the stellar reporting of distinguished reporters at the reputable TMZ website, it was uncovered that Tiger Woods, while playing the Buick Open at the Warwick Hills Golf and Country Club, released air from his anus in front of caddy Steve Williams while they were on the golf course.
This information is startling to many of Tiger Woods’ fans and detractors, most of whom firmly believed that instead of “passing wind,” gold coins and 
rainbows were sent into the atmosphere whenever Tiger released bowel pressure.
“Tiger Woods farted? Jeez, what’s next, Justin Timberlake burps after a meal? John Cusack sleeps?” questioned TMZ reader Marshall Cranden.
According to TMZ, yes, Justin Timberlake sometimes burps after meals. And, yes, John Cusack sleeps!
“It was the craziest thing. Justin and I were waiting for our dessert menus, and all of a sudden he hunches his back, covers his mouth, and lets out a short burp,” stated random hook-up Tara Reid. “I thought people that famous usually hire someone to burp for them.”
“I never thought these celebrities had a moment of sleep. It seems like they are always shooting a movie, or eating dinner, or going to a charity. Never did I expect to walk into a hotel room last week and discover John Cusack…sleeping! I was beside myself,” stated hotel maid Roberta Hinski.
TMZ didn’t stop there. The latest scandal involving a celebrity had to do with actress Kate Beckinsale. According to an eye-witness, the rude actress, while rushing to help a fallen child at a public park, neglected to complete the phrase “Excuse me” when she bumped into 45 year old Arnold Peck. “I feel a little bump, and a woman breathlessly waving at me as she passed by. Then she picks up my bleeding kid who just fell off the jungle gym. I tell you, I’ve never felt so dismissed in all my life.”
It is unknown what other scandalous acts TMZ will uncover about our privileged cult of celebrities. There have been rumors circulating about Harry Potter star Emma Watson driving a car completely sober and Bruce Willis buying a pair of scissors, but nothing has been confirmed as of yet.