Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: This past Sunday, the rest of the globe held its collective breaths as the country of North Korea, under high pressure from world powers to desist, launched their latest three-stage Taeopodong-2 rocket. The rocket was initially advertised by North Korea as a satellite launcher, while the rest of the globe
believed it to be a missile test for air defense.
“It was hard to believe such an ethnocentric communist regime as North Korea’s would care what lies beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. Unless they were going to try to conquer it,” stated Pentagon spokesperson Robin Guillera. “We do have footage of Kim Jong-Il rallying North Korean nationalism against the sun, calling it a lying Western pig and such, but we also believe he was drunk, since it was around the same time that he recorded ‘Fresh Jong-Il’ during his earlier hip-hop days.”
The rocket launch from a coastal missile base has been hailed as a success by North Korea in addresses to its citizens, and rightly so. They have successfully implemented a long range, highly volatile, “fishing rod of death,” according to North Korean media outlets. Apparently, it was supposed to dive into the ocean after reaching a distance of 3,200 kilometers.
“The world will quake when I arrive at the international trading tables and say the word, ‘Fish.’ All other countries will be in fear of North Korea because of this. I will control the economy with the fish market, because I am strong,” Kim Jong-Il stated(through a translator) on the North Korean closed-circuit television station.
According to Kim, the rocket is still circling the globe underwater at speeds “well over the speed of any man-made device.” He continued to explain that, as it travels through the globe’s waterways, it is killing and collecting millions of fish, which it will bring back to an off-shore naval base at Kimch’aek, fresh and ready for eating.
The report explains why Japan had been the most vocal about North Korea’s rocket launch, as they have the most to lose if North Korea is able to wipe out the Japanese sushi market.