Los Angeles, CA: The untimely death of actor David Carradine has left many upset, others angry, and most utterly confused due to the portrayal of the actor in his death. Namely, that he was hanging in a closet by his neck in ladies lingerie with his penis out, one of the seemingly odd poses a Shaolin monk would use
to find divinity or solace.
David Carradine’s body was found this way in a hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. Thai police were called to the scene when a hotel maid found Carradine in his deceased state. Upon realizing that he was an actor, the maid quickly “twittered” the incident, complete with pictures. The Bangkok Police Department learned of the death because of a “retweet” by Twitter account ThaiGirlXO, and raced to the scene.
Allegedy, Carradine was dressed in lingerie and a long-haired wig. Using his kung fu skills, Carradine was able to bind his wrists and ankles, then hang himself from a closet rod. Speculations of suicide have met with much contempt. “Due to a second autopsy, we can conclude that this was not a suicide. I mean, really, who would want to be found dead in a closet like that? It’s not how I would want to be remembered, anyway,” stated Doctor Michael Baden.
Relatives of Carradine also speculate that this ordeal was not a suicide, and believe foul play was involved. Theories consist of the possibility that the Chinese government drugged Mr. Carradine with fluoridated water in order to quiet his vocality for a free Tibet. Another consists of the idea that Reptites killed Carradine, and set him up for embarassment in order to further lay claim to Hollywood movies. Another theory is that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il’s stunt double had Carradine killed because the actor refused to partake in any of the dictator’s film productions.
Still another theory is that Carradine joined a radical branch of Scientology, which lays claim that thetans can only be released through the penis by asphyxiation. These thetans could then travel to the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles to fuel their elaborate lighting situation.
No matter what the outcome of these investigations, it is well known that many find Carradine’s death to be very unfortunate, as over 200 Hollywood types paid homage to the deceased television kung-fu master at his funeral today. Michael Madsen summed up most mourners thoughts, exclaiming, “It’s a f*cking shame.”