Washington, DC: The honorable Justices of the Supreme Court met earlier this week in order to resurrect a topic of debate that the nation can’t seem to forget: Janet Jackson’s bare breast at the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show.
The controversy began over 5 years ago, when pop star has-beens Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, while sharing the stage for the 2004 Super Bowl 
Halftime Show, began a risque dance that left a bit of cleavage hanging out of Janet Jackson’s clothing for the lengthy time of 9/16ths of a second. Of course, by the bare breast radar built into the genetics of every straight human male, that 9/16ths of a second could have easily felt like an hour to male viewers of all ages, including this one.
“Even now, I’m still disgusted by it. I mean, I began taping that Super Bowl game because I was hoping my Panthers were going to pull out a win. Now all I have is a tape where Janet Jackson’s breast is exposed. I get uncomfortable when I see it again, and again, and again….” stated sports-fan Wilson Ghetz a mere twenty minutes after the even occurred, in an archived article at The Inept Owl.
Initially, a suit was brought against CBS, the broadcasting company for the event, in the amount of $550,000.00 by the Federal Communications Commission. This suit was thrown out by the United States Court of Appeals on the grounds that the FCC could not justify a change of policy that warranted the suit. It was also apparent that Janet Jackson would not be present as a material witness, further inhibiting the reasons why the case should see a courtroom.
Finally, the Supreme Court has stepped in after 5 years, in order to bring new light to Janet Jackson’s boobage, so to speak. The research began when Chief Justice John Roberts found Justice Stephen Breyer in the bathroom with a photograph of the notorious “Nipplegate” activity involving Ms. Jackson.
“I was highly offended. I come in here to wash my hands after a corned beef on rye, and there’s Stevie with his robe up and a copy of that picture. I knew something must be done,” stated Chief Justice Roberts.
The Chief Justice confiscated the photograph and showed it to the rest of the Supreme Court Justices, including an irritated Justice Ruth Ginsburg who exclaimed, “Those are so fake!” before running out of the room. The remaining members of the Court adjourned to a conference room, where they spent a straight twenty hours studying and commenting on the photograph. They later left with copies of the photograph for further review at their homes.
“We feel these extensive reviews of Janet Jackson’s breasts are extremely valuable in our litigation of what is decent in this great nation of ours, as well as figuring out what to call that nipple encasing ring. I mean, it’s not technically a nipple ring, from what I’ve exhaustively researched at strip clubs…” stated Justice Antonin Scalia.
“I really wish all those creepy old men and women would just leave my breasts alone. It’s over and done with,” commented Ms. Jackson on these latest developments.