Los Angeles, CA: In an effort to raise money for Michael J. Fox’s Foundation for Parkinsons Research, Ryan Reynolds is asking fans to bid on the 
opportunity to accompany him to two upcoming movie premieres. The highest bidders will escort Reynolds to the premieres of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal.
While a number of fans are pleased by this announcement, his wife, Scarlett Johansson, appeared to be upset when questioned by a reporter outside of a Manhattan Starbucks on Sunday.
“He what?” she asked. “Are you sure?”
Johansson proceeded to make a number of phone calls to ensure the accuracy of the auction, then threw her freshly bought coffee to the sidewalk, splashing the hot liquid onto startled onlookers.
According to sources, Johansson boarded the next available flight for Los Angeles and accosted Reynolds on the set of his latest film.
“She just started flailing about with her fists,” said a witness. “She got a couple of good shots in until Ryan lost it and ‘Chris Browned’ her.”
Johansson regained consciousness minutes later and vowed to “get even.” On Sunday evening, she held a press conference announcing her own auction, which included press from Maxim, FHM, and Playboy.
“I’m auctioning off a personal hands-on bubble bath and massage from Scarlett Johansson,” she stated.
“Which organization are you donating the proceeds to?” asked a reporter. “The ‘I’m Going to Divorce Your Sorry-No-Talent-Ass-Auctioning-Off-Dates-with-Skanks Club,’ ” she responded before storming off with her large entourage.