Greensburg, PA: Yesterday marked a sad point in the life of young Susan Wolffe, as the sophisticated tea party she was holding with her kindergarten friends and a Hannah Montana doll was violated by a group of angry protestors who had camped out in front of her window before entering her home.
The trouble began when Miss Wolffe walked around her kindergarten class, at St. Joseph’s Preparatory School just outside of Pittsburgh, the day before. Citing parental intrusion about the party being too big, Miss Wolffe was forced to invite only ten of her fifteen classmates. The selection was largely based on whether or not
a student liked or did not like her “favorite, all-time greatest singer and actress ever,” Hannah Montana.
One of the Hannah-haters that did not receive an invitation was one Simon O’Hara. Upon learning that he was not invited to a party(even a tea party), he complained to his parents, who informed him that Miss Wolffe and her family were a “bunch of no-good hippies sucking up the resources of America that our forefathers fought so hard for.” This must have been due to an oversight on Mr. O’Hara’s part that he was employed by Mr. Wolffe at his textile factory.
Young Simon quickly rallied the other four members left out of Miss Wolffe’s affair, most of them boys, and staged a protest against “those commie elite bastards” under the direction of his parents, a “real Tea Party,” so to speak.
While the Bourgeoisie tea party was held inside Susie’s dining room, the activists marched outside with signs created with the help of their parents on big words such as “debt” and “bank,” screaming phrases such as “Susie Has Cooties” and other political propaganda.
When asked his age, activist Marshall Phillips held up one hand and two fingers from the other hand, answering “This many.”
Heightened tensions came when Susie’s parents invited the activists in. The ensuing fight for M&M cookies and green Kool-Aid(as opposed to the boring orange Hi-C) left five tea cups shattered, the Hannah Montana doll’s hair in flames, and Miss Wolffe having a temper-tantrum on the floor. Speculation has arisen that Simon O’Hara may have peed his pants during the ordeal as well, but was unable to be reached for comment.
All parents were called to pick up their rowdy offspring, and arrived to break up the altercation. By the time they had arrived, the group had all retired to the den for nap time.