Daytona Beach, FL: Early Wednesday morning, young Somali pirates, frustrated in their attempts to capture U.S. cargo ships, revealed a new strategy by hijacking two kayaks, a paddle boat, and the log flume ride at Magic Happyland Amusement Park.
The pirates, believed to be between the ages of 16 and 19, were easily able to overpower the kayak captains with superior numbers. However, it quickly became obvious that a lack of space would be an issue on these vessels; apparently, four pirates and a hostage do not fit well in a kayak. The first kayak’s 
captain, Jimmy Thompson of Des Moines, was believed to be held in a lower deck near the aft of the ship. The location of the second kayak’s female captain, one Sally Henshaw, was unknown at first; it was later discovered that Sally hid in an empty cargo bay.
The team sent to capture the paddle boat had a tougher time with their takeover. There seemed to be a lack of communication as the paddle boat was seen turning in circles for a period of time after the pirates took command of the ship. The pirates were briefly seen giggling to themselves and holding hands, until they finally managed to get their vessel back on course toward the Tunnel of Love.
It appeared that the pirates who went after the log flume had the greatest challenge; after waiting in line for nearly an hour, they finally got to the ship only to find that they had the crummy seats in the back. When the pirates stood up to announce their intentions to the passengers, the teenager running the ride firmly told them to sit down and keep their hands in the log ride at all times. Realizing they were at a disadvantage, the pirates agreed to the terms and sat down until the ride was over. As the log was returning to the dock, the pirates jumped up and took charge, slowing the vessel to a crawl and making the ride unbearably boring.
The crack security team at the amusement park responded quickly, arriving on the scene after dealing with a lost child and a mysterious puddle of vomit near The Scrambler. Armed with the latest walkie-talkies and a set of very jingly keys, the security guards formed perimeters around each boat and waited for Mr. O’Brien, the supervisor, to arrive (he was having lunch at the Festhaus at the time of the takeovers and could not be reached). O’Brien quickly brought in the park’s SEAL (Super Excellent Awesome Likeable) team which was charged with bringing the conflict to a resolution.
By mid-afternoon on Wednesday, one pirate complained of medical problems–likely related to a bad hot dog he’d eaten earlier that day–and was sent ashore to negotiate with park officials. The remaining pirates became increasingly anxious as the day wore on and their sugar buzz from the cotton candy wore off. Things came to a head around 2:15 PM when one pirate poked a young hostage in the ribs and made him cry in this really whiny and annoying fashion that pissed everyone off; events also escalated because 3:00 was the shift change for the park and the SEAL team really wanted to go home. Therefore, the decision was made to take out the pirates.
At 2:25 PM, sharpshooters using Nerf N-Strike Longshot CS-6 rifles fired upon the remaining pirates. The sharpshooters aimed for the pirates’ eyes and face, despite clear warning labels on the box not to do so. When the pirates realized how serious the sharpshooters were, they quickly surrendered and were taken into custody. The pirates are currently being held on misdemeanor charges of disturbing the peace and are expected to face serious consequences, up to and including 10 hours of community service.