Washington, DC: At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the “Changemobile,” it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of “green” technology.
Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama’s assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car’s capabilities. “It 
has everything the modern President could ask for,” said Trickle. “It’s got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It’s basically like having a Starbucks on wheels.” When asked by reporters if the car had fax capability or a direct secure phone line to the White House, Agent Trickle replied, “Unfortunately, there are limitations to what we can provide. We had to prioritize certain capabilities above others. In order to include a fax machine, we would have had to have excluded the Nintendo Wii. And Mr. Obama does love his Wii bowling.”
While the Secret Service was not at liberty to reveal all of the defensive aspects of the car, Trickle was permitted to discuss the basic makeup of its protective features. “It’s got eight-inch reinforced steel doors. The windows are of a similar thickness, which of course makes it impossible to see out of… but they at least look like windows, so that’s something. Also, it has a carefully thought-out self-destruct capability; entry to the car requires an 18-digit passcode to be entered on a keypad on the door. One false entry causes the car to instantly explode. We know the system works, because last week Special Agent Johnson forgot and entered his bank card’s PIN number by mistake. As a side note, funeral services for Agent Johnson will be held next Thursday at 10 AM.”
Whereas previous presidential limos ran on diesel fuel, the new limo will be more green-friendly. The engine is built to run on a mixture of biodiesel and steam; it is the first car of its kind that will be capable of running entirely on bullshit and hot air. It will still only get 3 MPG due to its weight and the large energy demands of its components; however, it is unlikely to ever run out of fuel as long as it stays in the DC metro area.
The vehicle is a joint effort by the Big Three automakers, marking the first time that GM, Ford, and Chrysler have ever worked on a problem together, rather than pointing fingers over whom to blame. The price tag is somewhat hefty; the automakers estimated the cost of constructing the vehicle at 13.4 billion dollars. When asked why this number matched up exactly to the amount of the bailout they requested from (and were denied by) Congress, spokespersons from the automakers passed it off as “sheer coincidence.”