(The following was brought to you by unregistered author Renee)
Tampa, FL: Three of the six major airlines in the United States plan to boost profits in an effort to offset the nation’s struggling economy. In an unusual move, the airlines, Delta, AirTran, and USAirways recently collaborated on creating new business strategies. They plan to experiment 
in select major hubs across the United States by charging coach passengers for more than just checked bags, seat selections, and food and beverage services.
In an effort to expedite changing the nationwide security threat level to green while at the same time gaining a profit, these airlines, starting on January 1, 2009, will be charging a stipend of up to $42 for all coach passengers mistaken as a terrorist. The following are a few reasons a passenger will be flagged as possible terrorist resulting in extra charges:
- Muslims
- Those wearing turbans
- Those having first name Osama or one that rhymes with
- Arabs
- Those of Middle Eastern descent
- Those carrying a ticking bag
- Those having the names Lewis Black, Jim Norton, or Pauly Shore
- Carrying items that can be considered a weapon of mass destruction on person
Depending on the carrier, travelers will not only have to pack lightly, but they’ll also have to start stripping off the pounds too. The airlines plan on utilizing the same scales normally reserved for measuring the weight of luggage to weigh the travelers too.
“America’s obesity is out of control. Why should the airlines lose money because more than half the passengers are overweight and directly affecting the plane’s gas consumption?” asks airline official Michelle Biggs. Passenger weight limits will be set to 200 lbs. Coach passengers will be charged at a rate of $1/lb if over the weight limit.
The rates don’t end there. Women with large “personal items”, which some call mom-purses, and men with their “man purses” will be required to step onto the scale, items-in-arm.
“I think it’s for the best. Women don’t need to be taking their entire bathroom with them in their purse and men shouldn’t even be allowed to carry ‘man purses.’ Also, this may help America’s obesity problem by encouraging travelers to lose the weight,” says Peter Rekkons.
Inspired by public facilities in Europe, airlines have also installed devices in plane restrooms to require passengers to deposit $1.00 in order to access them. So far, only quarters are accepted and no change machines will be present on board the aircraft. In addition to charging for the restroom, to cut back on toilet paper use, restroom guests will be charged $0.10 per sheet.
This leaves many coach passengers outraged. One frequent traveler expressed his concerns: “It’s one thing to start charging for the food on the planes and to even charge me to use the restroom on my regular 3 hour flight. But it’s a whole other can of worms to charge me for toilet paper! Now I’m fearful of eating anything before a plane ride because I might not have enough change for toilet paper!”