Chicago, IL: Oprah Winfrey, dubbed the “Queen of all Media,” has shocked the world with her latest revelation in January’s issue of ‘O’ magazine. Winfrey, 54, has struggled with her weight for years and has always felt as if the entire world should share in her pain and heartbreak when it comes to her inability to control her eating and lack of exercise. An admitted food addict, Winfrey is disappointed with herself.
“I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'” 
Many of her fans have reacted by staging candlelight vigils outside the gates of Ms. Winfrey’s sprawling estate. Some of the more eager “superfans,” as they refer to themselves, plan to stay for as long as it takes for Ms. Winfrey to get her burgeoning clothing size under control.
“I quit my job in order to be here,” says Diana Montgomery, a former Wal-Mart deli clerk. “I can’t concentrate at work if I’m constantly worrying about Oprah’s weight gain.”
Ms. Montgomery’s friend, Chloe Fontingham, currently employed as the treasurer for the Oprah Winfrey Superfan Fan Club, is also prepared to stay for as long as it takes for Winfrey to lose weight. “I used to be a food addict, too. So to me, this is the most important news item right now. I mean, come on, food addiction is serious and Oprah’s like, well, the most important person in the world.”
“Who cares if Oprah’s gaining weight?” asks Sarah Cunningham, a social worker from Oakland, California. “Kids are starving all over the world. Why don’t you just tell fatty to give all of her food to the starving kids and then she’ll lose some weight and save some lives? Problem solved.”
“Some people are just jealous of Oprah,” said Ms. Fontingham, when informed of Ms. Cunningham’s reaction. “Oprah shouldn’t have to give some random kids her food because this Cunningham woman is jealous of Oprah’s success. Besides, I think the whole ‘starving children’ thing is a big lie created by the left wing media. I mean, come on – there are two grocery stores within five minutes of my house. So if anybody is starving, it’s because they’re too lazy to go to the store.”
According to magazine insiders, February’s issue of ‘O’ magazine will contain information on not only Ms. Winfrey’s favourite television commercials, but also her favourite instant oatmeal flavours, as well as a story about a rash she had in 2003 and how the rash touched her life. The editors expect a flurry of pre-orders.