Los Angeles, CA- Researchers at UCLA Medical Center believe that they have discovered a possible cause for the country’s skyrocketing obesity rate – overeating. For years, scientists and overweight people have been working on devising numerous theories behind weight gain, blaming everything from glandular disorders to fatty acid deficiency, as well as countless other purported causes. Dr. Richard “Dick” Whittingham, the head of the research team, discounts those theories as “mostly hogwash.”
“We truly believe that the majority of those who are overweight are the way they are because they, well, eat too much,” he claims. “If your normal dinner consists of three Big Macs, a Tombstone Pizza, and a half gallon of ice cream, don’t be surprised if you gain weight. And don’t look for other reasons as to why you’re morbidly obese. The truth is in your fridge.”
Simon Muller, a professor at Georgetown University and a longtime expert on weight issues, has another 
theory. “Though I agree that overeating is responsible for the majority of cases, a severe lack of exercise is also to blame. It goes hand-in-hand with overeating, actually. If you spend countless hours, night after night, sitting on the couch watching all of your favourite shows with a bag of chips and a two-liter of cola in hand, chances are, you’re going to start gaining weight.”
“They’re right,” says Oprah Winfrey, who has battled weight gain several times over the years. “I’ve found that exercise and moderate eating does much to curtail weight gain. I’m probably going to write a book about it pretty soon. And it will be in my book club. So, it’s guaranteed to be a bestseller and hopefully will help people.”
Deborah Kleinfelter, a thirty-seven-year-old Minneapolis, Minnesota mother of four, disagrees with the new scientific theory. “I eat McDonald’s two, three times a day, but that’s not why I’m overweight,” she says. “I’m overweight because I have four kids and don’t have the time to exercise. Plus, I have bad ankles.”
Douglas Moran, presently unemployed, agrees with Ms. Kleinfelter. “I don’t have time to exercise. I’m busy filling out job applications all day. And by the time night hits, I’m too tired. I just want to relax, order two large pizzas, and watch some quality television programs before drifting off to sleep.”
Asked if the new theory will hold weight (pardon the pun) and cause people to watch their eating habits, Dr. Whittingham was cynical. “No, I think they’ve always known that eating too much is a bad idea. But they’ll continue to do it anyway. Because, well, people are stupid.”
He pauses for a moment. “I’m waiting for somebody to name global warming as the sole cause for their morbid obesity. Those darn melting ice caps and their fat-causing particles!”