New York, NY: In this age of gossip, it can be a struggle for an upstanding publication such as ours to find important, verifiable facts about celebrities, whether it be about their political leanings, financial situation, children, or if they bought a Gucci or Louis Vuitton collar for their miniature Italian greyhound. Sometimes it takes an exceptional amount of harassment for an interview while hanging out of a news van driving eighty miles per
hour. Sometimes it takes an immense amount of stalking around one’s house, usually equal to the amount of arrests for disregarding certain “restraining orders.”
Sometimes, you just get lucky. For instance, a mere three hours ago we were approached by a homeless man, a grubby, unshaven fellow wearing three layers of clothing, all smelling as if they had never been washed.
Here is a picture of the foul gentleman:
By the sound of his voice he was quite drunk, but he declared that he had in his possession the written journal of the actor Keanu Reeves, which he found while foraging through the celebrity’s garbage outside of his Manhattan apartment. He asked for $5,000.00 for the book. We bartered him down to $5.00 and half of a roast beef and cheddar sandwich.
After verifying Keanu’s handwriting against the many letters he has sent this publication to let us know that he is indeed still alive, we now introduce you to the most personal thoughts of this highly regarded actor.
September 6, 2007 – Dear Diery(sic). Hey, dude, I’m Keanu. I got you as a gift from a friend and I’m really excited to write my thoughts down. I’ve always thought of myself as deep and now I can prove it. Oh dude, I’m so excited.
October 3, 2007 – Today was a bad day. I’m going to go eat some cocoa puffs. They always make me happy. Cocoa Puffs and Alex Winter.
December 25, 2007 – Whoa! It’s Christmas, dude! I’m so stoked! I’m going to buy myself a new motorcycle and a bag of gummy bears.
January 13, 2008 – Today, during filming, the director kept calling “Cut!” And it made me wonder – why do they call “cut?” Why not just say “stop?” Like, “Hey, Keanu, stop being so awesome!” Because saying, “Hey, Keanu, cut being so awesome” doesn’t make sense. I’m going to personally change the saying! I’m telling the director tomorrow! Dude, I’m so excited.
January 14, 2008 – I talked to the director about using “stop” instead of “cut.” He told me to shut up. I hate him. Hey, director dude, I hope you catch on fire. Yeah. I hope you catch on fire and then, like, die.
February 23, 2008 – I watched ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ for the 1,208th time today. Yes, diery(sic), I’ve counted all of the times I’ve seen it. If you knew anything, you’d know that it was the best movie of 1989. And it’s also the best representation of who I am in real life, dude.
February 24, 2008 – I miss Alex “Bill” Winter. He was the only one who ever got me. Dude, I need to call him.
April 2, 2008 – People always call me “stupid.” Whatever. Their(sic) stupid.
June 7, 2008 – I just got done listening to ‘Quattro Formaggi,” Dogstar’s first album. I love this album, man. I haven’t listened to it in a while because I’ve ben(sic) so busy. I don’t understand how this album didn’t go platinum. I think critics suck big ones, dude.
July 4, 2008 – Today is the 4th of July. I love fireworks. Their(sic) awesome, dude. I’m going to go to the store tonight and buy, like, ten thousand dollars worth of fireworks. Time to blow some stuff up!
July 5, 2008 – I just got home from the hospital. That place sucks, dude. Last night, I burned my face because I tried to launch a bottle rocket from my mouth. The doctor said it was a “stupid idea.” Oh, like your(sic) so smart, dude, because you went to medical doctor university or whatever they call it. Whatever. I could have been a doctor if I wanted to. But I didn’t, so live with it.
August 20, 2008 – I tried to take an online IQ test today, but couldn’t figure out the answers to the first three questions, so I gave up. Oh, well, I’m still rich.
November 1, 2008 – A new president is about to be elected and I think that’s very cool. But I’m kind of confused. I was watching CNN last night and the chick news lady said that the Obama dude was “ahead in the poles(sic).” And I got confused. The North Pole doesn’t even exist. Everybody knows that. It’s a place where Santa Claus supposedly lives with those elf dudes. So why is CNN talking about poles? Are they saying Santa is voting for Obama? Because that doesn’t even make sense. It seems like Santa, being an old dude, would vote for the other old dude, Palin, or whatever his name is.